Night Time Slumber
It is late and some time ago I laid down for a deep rest, searching for a delightful night time slumber. Perhaps the universe wants me to be awake, maybe it has a desire for me to explore my feels and release them into the ether. As I sit here my body eases away the pains, thoughts and concerns. Occasionally an acidic burn slides up my throat or my tummy whimpers from the prickly pains in my belly. There are moments when I notice the challenge of swallowing, the fleeting ghosting ghosts or the burning smell that flutters up my nose.
Peace finds me as I explore these feels and the feelings from them. Though my body zones may be on the waters of discomfort I have brought a surf board to slide and ride across them. I imagine the warm air wrap around me as I navigate the board atop powerful waves. It is invigorating, rejuvenating and incredible.
I love life and the cup that comes with it. It is never half full or half empty, it is complete and wrapped with infinite awe.
Through our cup and the liquid life therein we have our hopes and dreams, our adventures and plans. Many leave this cup on the counter, refusing to take even one sip. Others take a drink here and there. I choose to devour the contents, gulping it down and savoring every drop.
Drinking life like this can be painful, it means you must accept all of the goods with the bads. You have to embrace the smiles with the frowns. Be ready to explore the most beautiful dreams in our night time slumber, sleeping away in our soft beds. And… be willing give up many nights to the morning.
Romance is a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love.
Silver and gold garland wreathed around the needle-sharp Christmas tree. An array of glass and plastic ornaments hung from hooks like stems of fruit on the pine branches. Spiraling luminescence gracefully undulated from a string of rainbow lights. A sparkle caped angel rested atop the lush tree, but it was the brilliantly wrapped gifts tied with bows that were the culmination of excitement.
Hundreds of cookies rested in old popcorn tins. Homemade fudge, pies, cakes and all sorts of scrumptious treats were in abundance. The house was a Christmas treasure land, my mother made sure of that. Each year she made everyone’s favorite, mine were fork mashed peanut butter, snicker doodle and chocolate chip cookies. The experience was one of love, in the moment and in memory.
These lessons, memories, moments are the foundation of how Me-of-the-Past and Me-Now romance life. I desire for my relationships to show love in the same way my mother showed how to romance the holidays. Find the beauty in the world around you, and you will be filled with it.
When filled with beauty, we accept and nurture hope. We can take this small gift and place it into the palm of those we love. By passing even a spark we can ignite a great fire and inspire a conflagration of joy, peace and harmony.
All actions may have great return. The love shown to me, expressed by my mother, has, continues and will continue to enrich my life.
So much has changed since I began this journey. Many of the thoughts I wrote are no longer what I believe now. A good number were force fed to me by Ino. Spoonful’s of his hurt jammed down my throat into my heart. I have a peace-love relationship with my time with him. My heart has found peace, I no longer suffer with animosity or anger toward Ino. I love him as I would any person. The hurt he fed me has been spat out and the sour taste washed away. This peace has opened the pantry door for me savor the experience of healthy relationships.
From Ino and the Wolf in Sheep’s clothing I’ve discovered a quality I look for in others. True Empathy, the kind where hurt spoken is investigated before being dismissed. I want a friend in my corner who will listen to me, before they cast out my feels on this or that. The same is what I want to give, and that is exactly what will be given.
I’ve always believed that your lover should be your friend, your best friend. They should be your partner in crime, your battle buddy, your advocate. In my last relationship, I didn’t have this. It was a clear parameter set by them, a line I wasn’t allowed to cross. Healthy Shawn White would have ended the relationship then and there. Me-of-the-Past and Me-Now are a lot stronger than Chemo-Me, or Post-Chemo-Me. I was in too deep, too much in love during a troubling time to let go. It was the right thing for me, it was the affection and attention I needed. There is nothing I regret about that relationship. It was, as it was, and everything it was meant to be. I’m at peace with it and have moved on.
Every Relationship is Different
I believe that every relationship is different, each with its own social contract. Though different, all are similar in that they’re defined by the personal boundaries of at least two people. I dig love, life, adventures and dreams, but without personal boundaries none are possible.
The Tree of Life
The Tree of Life, like a tree’s root system spreads further and deeper when fed with rich soil. We are no different than these mighty plants. The more we feed something the greater it becomes. Negativity begets negativity and positivity begets positivity.
Indulge the negative and like a tumor it will grow and metastasize. Embrace the positive and you’ll expand and attract the same. Feed the soil of life with the energy you desire and you will experience it.
The Roots of the Tree of Life
The Tree of Life has two kinds of roots: Negative and Positive. The negative is comprised of denial, false perception, shame, malfunction, false validation, guilt and regret. The positive is made up of acceptance, wisdom, accountability, rationality, empowerment, forgiveness and harmony.
The negative roots are not the opposite of their positive counter parts. Instead the positive is simply the absence of the negative.
Our roots lead into the body of life, which represents the seasons we have endured and years lived. It is our life, our thoughts manifested and actions achieved.
From the body the Tree reaches out to the Limbs of Negativity and Positivity. The positive is our plans, adventures and dreams; the negative represents our stagnation, isolation and impulse. From the limbs our branches spread and grow to represent the action of these passions and pathos. It is at the end of these branches that we enjoy the fruit of our labor or suffer with its rot.
The Doors of Life
Understanding the consequence of negative energy and benefit of positive isn’t enough. To effectively live we must have the tools available to us so we may influence how our own Tree of Life grows.
This is explained through a series of doors, each door unlocking another to a larger room containing greater opportunities.
- The exploration of art and writing opens the door to creativity.
- Within the room of creativity is a doorway that if unlocked may unlock the door to our imagination.
- Within the room of imagination is a doorway which leads to personal advocacy.
- By unlocking the door within the room of personal advocacy you will discover a door way to becoming the person you want to be.
The Tolerance Barrel
By exploring the reach of our emotions we have the opportunity to use the rings of our life to transform our existence. The time we have here is akin to clay and may be manipulated into any form. Sculpting our lives one moment at a time. Each second shaping us, adding form and definition. Its an experience, a progressive transformation comprised of equal parts: hurt, terror, love and pleasure. It may be shaped with brutal force or delicate precision. Some elements can be repaired or replaced, others cannot.
Transformation arrives in many ways, its avenues aren’t limited. Its presence appears in a way that’s dependent upon the origin of the water (energy), whether from positive or negative. The type of water is determined by its relationship with the Tolerance Barrel.
From the barrel our roots are fed
Its from the barrel that our roots are fed, which transforms the energy and is then fed to our Tree of Life. Though the energy has been absorbed by the roots it must travel through the trunk, to our limbs. Depending on which branch grows (our action) determines whether fruit or rot is yielded. The cleaner our source energy is the greater chance the result will be in our favor. Positivity begets positivity and negativity begets negativity.
Transformation may occur whether the action is negative or positive. That is why it is so important to remain aware of the kind of energy we use to feed ourselves.
To get a better understanding imagine your life is a barrel and your stress is the water. As we fill the barrel the greater your stress becomes, this isn’t a real problem until the barrel is filled to the brim. Once this happens pain and discomfort occurs. We feed our roots with the water from this barrel. If we have not reached our tolerance level of stress then the energy we feed it is clean and good. If we feed it with a barrel that is overflowing our Tree of Life is absorbed negative energy, water that is diluted with pain and stress.
Like mist on wind, streaming violet light floated alongside swirling smoky circles. This spiraling purple luminescence twisted like ivy into twirling portals of light. Opening into doorways these portals brought a gathering of faeries, emotional creatures dancing and singing. One fey creature moved toward me, alone, with divine grace. Walking, dancing, prancing across the floor, her little feet created magical waves in her wake. There was a certain sadness to her, though her walk feigned a joyous heart, tears hid behind her sad eyes. Though her curly blonde hair bounced as she neared me, there was stillness to her spirit, a sorrow to her soul. Her friends remained at the entrance, through the fog of their peaceful presentation radiated discord.
With a half broken smile her lips mustered the strength to speak.
“Daddy?” The little Fey looked toward my eyes. “I’m lonely. Will you be my friend?”
Tend to your emotions
The Tree of Life is home to all things that are, and are not. It is our home, the person we are now and who we desire to be. Without it we don’t exist and to deny it is a fate worse than death. Our temple is our tree, we must honor, love and respect it. It is an Artifact of our lives and we must decide whether it is a positive or negative influence.
Living on and around our tree are all sorts of creatures. Our emotions are creatures of all sorts, from little pets to wild animals, from brownies to totems, from Seelie to Unseelie. We have a responsibility to them, they are our children. To be a proper parent we must tend to their needs. Sometimes they come to us crying, begging to be loved. Other times they demand attention kicking and screaming. It is up to us to discover the needs of each of our creatures and to give them what they need.
For nearly two years before my diagnosis I felt sick. It was an uncertain kind of sickness, an icky acid like irritation in my veins. There was a slow lethargic tug in my muscles and a teary pain behind my eyes. I was given a reprieve after my surgery. That break ended once I started the insightful experience of chemotherapy.
Now as I sit here I can feel that acid yuck crawl back into my body. My soul parts are clean and my mind is right, but I can feel the old pains return. I’ve earned a clear, healthy mind and with it I realize the constant state of pain that is my existence.
In reflection, I realize it’s this pain that’s incapacitating me. I’ve spent countless hours analyzing my malfunctioning parts and now I understand where it’s coming from. The problem is my body is in a great deal of pain. I’m trying to offset it, but no matter what I do, I can’t.
The sensation is akin to little fires burning on a cellular level all throughout my body. It’s a subtle pain, slowly over drafting my bank account of agony. The sensation seems to access a different kind of Tolerance Barrel.
Lately I’ve attributed the sensation to dehydration. After observing my liquidity levels I realize this isn’t the case. There have been several moments where these sensations have pushed me to nearly passing out. I move about bracing myself against objects in case I lose consciousness.
Like right now as I write this, it feels like there’s a chemical fire just under my flesh. If I hadn’t traveled through the lands of pain that I have, the agony would make me want to throw up.
Now that I know where the problem is born from, I can meditate, succumb and become one with it.
The Body of Life
When the universe gives me a reprieve, I use it to reflect on my existence. This reflection grants me an understanding about the source of my malfunction. The origin is permeating pain. It doesn’t matter what the actual source of the pain is, simply that it hurts.