Its akin to sprawling out on your bed with clean soft sheets wrapped around you. When suddenly as you roll to the side you hear a soft but noticeable pop. You look toward the corner of the bed, you know the sound before you see it. The sheet has come loose from the mattress. You lay there for a moment, you could get up and remake the bed and sure, yeah it might make the experience more comfortable, but you are guaranteed to lose the comfort you currently have.
In a lot of ways this is how cancer is. It sucks that the bed is slowly unraveling, but if you choose to try and fix it, you are guaranteed to lose something you currently have.
I love the feel of a warm bed in the morning, to have those soft clean sheets wrapped around my body. To feel my foot slip out into the cold air, then slowly slide back into the comfort of my bundled blankets.
Eventually you will get up and fix the sheets, you will have the motivation or purpose to do whatever it is that you choose to do. No matter what the decision is, it comes with a hefty price. When it comes to cancer, there are no small prices to pay.
Last night I had a nightmare. While sleeping beside my beautiful young lady friend my mind was wracked with terrible feels and dream sights. I was in my home, this one and the house I grew up in. Water was pouring in from the sky above and it was dripping through the ceiling and seeping through the floor. Everything was falling apart, no matter how much I worked to rid my home of the water it continued pour.
I can remember distinctly feeling like no matter what I did, no matter what changes I made, the water would continue to be. It would be there even if I left the house, change the roof or rebuild the floor. I didn’t want to leave, yet at the same time I didn’t want to continuously struggle to fix everything. Especially when everything was destined to be destroyed by the unstoppable force of the water. My home would be uncomfortable to live in with the warped floors and wet ceilings, but that life would be better than to be cut to pieces, burned and chemically transformed.
The parallel here is that the water is the cancer and the home is my body. I want to live, I want to live life to its fullest. Whatever choices I choose to make in regard to my life is so that I can have the opportunity to experience it as it was meant to be enjoyed. To make the best of what was given to me, to use what was given to me to help others and leave behind a legacy that helps others in my absence.
Selecting your treatment options should be considered with great thought. I believe it is important to consider what we will have after the surgery or treatment. What are we giving up to have life, how much life do you need to have the experiences you want, and who’s wants are you following anyways?
Throughout my journey I found myself being pushed down roads that weren’t my own. People manipulated me to do their wants, convincing me to believe that their wants were my wants. This can take form in many ways, but the focus here is on your treatment. When your loved ones or doctors are pressuring you to do something you don’t want to, its like having those warm blankets ripped from you, forcing you to be exposed to the cold air.
Those blankets are yours, they are yours to do with as you see fit. Get out of bed and peel off those sheets by your terms. Stand up for yourself, be your own advocate and choose your treatment for you, not for the wants of someone else, be it your wife, child or doctor. Right now we only have one life to live, live it by your terms.