Hope the Mouse
So much our time is focused on cancer that we often become it. Every time I have a test or a scan my heart shutters and my nerves shake. I’ve grown so accustomed to bad news that good news has become the bad. Hope the Mouse is a representation of my fear, anxiety and guilt when it comes to the idea of overcoming cancer.
I dread the day when all of this is over (if it ever is). The reason is because it’s like dying, when its over I will have to begin a new life, change is hard enough for most, starting over is another matter entirely. When I was first diagnosed with cancer I experienced the death of my old life, once again when I discovered I still had cancer and again once cancer became my life. These moments are rough and destructive to the soul, they hurt and often never stop hurting.
Without cancer I’m afraid I won’t have the same drive and purpose. I really want to be a part of a cause that makes the world a better place. The thought of losing traction of my dream is a nightmare. Having a singular purpose can be overwhelming, but it is so much more rewarding than the underwhelming life I once had.
I’m afraid of being cured, I’m afraid of not having cancer, I’m afraid of surviving.
These are the thoughts that plague me when I think about hope. They’re the feelings that haunt me. I want to live a long happy life, but the thought of Hope the Mouse is terrifying, and when I see her it makes me want to scream in terror.
Hope is not your enemy
I know that Hope isn’t my enemy. She is a valuable tool that pushes me forward every day. I may be afraid of her at times, but without her I can’t experience the experience of life. Without this little mouse I wouldn’t know how to ask why, I wouldn’t have the force of will to continue to walk and I wouldn’t have the heart to help others.
Hope is the true engine of my existence. My force of will determines who I am. With these two powerful elements I can overcome anything. When, not if… When I overcome this cancer I will continue to help others. Ultimately it is what is on the inside that determines who we are and what we have to offer. On the inside, I have Hope, the cute, yet terrifying mouse. She has guided me, continues to guide me and will always guide me.
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