The curtain twisted to a gentle breeze, dancing to the ceiling fan’s melody. I sat on my bed with my back to the wall feeling my heart begin to fall. Shadows stretched and moved in malicious manners as I tried with all my might to find a purpose to the pain. My heart was broken, my body shattered, I was a mess of fractured bits and bones. I felt alone, in pain and devastated. My journey walked me through so many terrible times, tonight it tossed me into a ditch of despair. Tears streamed down my face as my sanity melted away at a steady pace.
My mind was melting under the stress of my duress. There was so much agony and so little sensation. My body burned with the hell of neuropathy. It felt like a flower of pain blooming across my back, like a creature had crawled into my soul and was gnawing at my spirit, it felt like I was at the end of what I could take. It was too much.
With the rhythm of my heart’s pulse, streaks of fire shot through my mind. Each fiery bolt burned flesh from my fingers till my grip started to slip.
Wrapping my hands around a rusty orange pill bottle I twisted it open. Sliding my finger in I pulled out one of those pain-killing gems. I held it in my hand in quiet contemplation till the fire hammered again. With a flip of my finger I felt it on my tongue and like a sad old song I swallowed it down. With each thundering pulse my world would spin until I no longer knew how to make it end.
Pill after pill the darkness closed in and my eyes grew heavy, till it felt like there was nothing left of me.
Malfunction is Irrationality
Malfunction is one of the seven negative roots of the Tree of Life. Its the verb of irrationality, the moment when our dark spots push our buttons and insanity fills the void. This root destroys everything we hold dear and the relationships closest to us. Its says: “I want to hurt; I want to cheat, I want to lie, I want to die.”
What does Malfunction do?
My malfunction manifests in self-destructive tendencies. When this mean monster pulls against its leash it drags me toward annihilation. Fenris is my malfunction and when he gets hungry he tries to kill me. Sometimes the only way to stop him is by feeding him my arm.
Look inward to find what your malfunctions are and how they hurt you.
Be the master of your Malfunction
Having a relationship with the root of malfunction allows us to see where it sits. We can feed it what it needs so it doesn’t eat us. We can ensure we are the ones leading it by the leash and no one else.
The first goal of reigning in malfunction is to protect ourselves from our own dark tendencies, this is achieved by knowing where it is, and feeding it with healthy food. The second goal is to protect ourselves from the dark tendencies of others, we achieve this by holding and hiding the leash from the prying eyes of monsters.
It can feel great to confess our pains and tears with someone we trust. Sometimes the ones we trust are monsters sneaking into our lives from the shadows to latch onto us like leeches. The monsters in this instance are abusers, people who want to take and never give. We exist only to serve them, and they do the minimum to get the maximum from us.
How do we protect ourselves from these people?
Be careful who you entrust your inside heart zones with. When you do share never let them hold the leash to your malfunction. Once an abusive person sees how we malfunction they will use it to make us malfunction. The more irrational we are the more pliable we become. The only person who has the right to mold your identity is you.
Abusers have all sorts of tool boxes to seize control.
Not all abusers harness the power of our malfunction, some latch onto our other negative roots to seize control. Malfunction is the purview of the Pea Weasels of our life. They are people who question our mental stability, influence our judgement at critical times and attempt to shape our identity. This often requires commitment and dedication. It is a process requiring a considerable amount of conditioning, time and trust.