A caretaker by name only

A caretaker by name only

Abusers and Takers reveal their true identity when asked to take responsibility.

When you draw a line in the sand and ask them not to cross it, they push and cry and whine.
They say “Woe is me; I am the victim!”
They are envious, but not of the loss of lung or the cancer or the chemo, but of everything else you have worked for or earned.
That money, the stuff used to allow you survive, they believe a part of it is theirs.
They shouldn’t have to pay, they shouldn’t have to do, they can’t do this, they can’t do that.
They cry and fuss when they are expected to turn Adult into Adulting.

But what about the things they just bought? They need money to pay its taxes, they need money to pay their payments and insurance… what about their insurance?

It is not your fault that they bought a thing beyond their means. A thing with the intent to attract instead of to deliver. It is not your fault that they lost their job.
It’s not your fault that they have refused every opportunity put before them, the free education, tools, insurance, guaranteed employment.
Its not your fault that they volunteered to move in with you, to help you survive when you were terrified of what was to come.
Its not your fault when they did nothing to take care of you.
Its not your fault when you had to take care of yourself and this Taker who took what you had and lived like a child.

A child who said you would look stupid and ugly once your hair started falling out, who told you that you were weak, a child who was adamant about the things they believe you cannot do.

Abusers and Takers reveal their true identity when asked to take responsibility.
When that line is drawn in the sand and they see they can no longer force you with their will, they make you the monster.
They say “Woe is me; I am the victim!”
They say “How dare you expect me to help you, how dare you expect me to pay to play, to live, to eat.”

And so in the end they give you a gift, they give you the gift of freedom and peace.
Freedom from them and peace of mind.

The Empty Hand

The Empty Hand 8/23/2016

 

It was early, the sun sat outside the tiny window beyond the reach of the bed.  The air was cold, but my hand was warm.  Warmed by the hand, the touch of one that was familiar.

The time of the clock clicked seven and the hand released me as my eyes slipped away into a great, deep sleep.  I was alone.

 

Waking I was frightened, I knew no one.  I looked for the hand that held mine, but her hand was gone, alone I was left.

Ghosts moved this way then that way.

I was confused and concerned.

They laid me forward, crowding around me, a pause was heard, then nothing.

 

The nothing lasted only a moment, behind it came the tight tug of something

The something was a hot sting, a tingling numbness, a strange sensation that with the touch of breath’s air transformed.

An echo of pain slipped through me, rattling my inside like quaking walls.

The first droplets of pain were soft, like the pitter patter of a light rain, but with each cloud that billowed from the abyss the storm grew greater.

 

The droplets were hot, like the lick from the kiss of boiling grease.

The storm ravaged, the burning became steel as it melted through my nerves, I could feel the heat eat away at everything that made me me.

Fear overcame me, I could not hold back the terror, my hand thrashed to find that hand, the hand, the hand who had left me.

It was the first time I felt alone, the first time I was alone.  Placed within the blanket of darkness, to face the punishment for my innocent benevolence, I would be consumed by Molten steel that was forced and flowed through me,

A pain, an agony that reigned till darkness I was filled…

 

With time comes forgiveness

With time comes change

Though my heart was burned from the inside out, I accepted her and her fear, I forgave the hand that deserted me.

 

Submerged in the silken, slick water

Lowered from the abrasive, bitter world that I battled

I felt a soft touch, the ease of its place, the peace of its harmony

 

I could feel my skin revitalize,

I could feel the spin stop,

And my breath soften

 

I could see again, for the first time

I could feel again, for the first time

I could live again, for the first time.

 

Returning to this world, my eyes were open and my heart washed

I saw a new place, a new time

A land of boundless opportunity, endless love and immeasurable beauty

 

Emerging, stepping from the oiled water I looked to the horizon, My eyes turning to those who had walked with me, to those who had held and forgotten my hand,

And I walked forward.

 

The Lady in the Isle of Hope

The Lady in the Isle of Hope 8/23/2016

 

I’ve never felt a connection so profound

A heart power with so much pull

An immortal love transcending time and space and spirit of man

 

Lost in the sea of specters, she was my isle of hope.

She held in her hand a glowing lantern, that lit her innocent smile.

And guided me to her arms

 

Never in my life have I experienced such profound love

Such fullness of heart

Such a trueness of person

 

She was my soft guide, my angel of peace

With a smile and the nearness of her heart, she would ease my fear,

For a moment I could forget my terrors and set aside my agony

 

Her heart would heal me

It would shield me from the winds of horror that kicked glass and sand into my flesh.

With her touch she would raise me above the boiling sea of despair

With her hands she would cover my ears, hiding me from the screams bellowing from the sea of lost souls.

 


 

The Angel and father of wisdom

The Angel and father of wisdom 8/23/2016

Heart pain dripped from my eye, a darkness wreathed me in its frigid grasp.

Alone I was nothing, but among my angels I would strengthen

 

My legs were weak and my eyes were clamped closed.

The light of the afternoon sun burned in the sky above.

He was a gentle hand, the guidance of a father, the wisdom of a true soul.

 

His strength carried me, his love walked with me, his wisdom led me.

I felt safe beside him.

 

As my lung wept with exhaustion, he consoled me.

He told me stories and shared to me his soul.

A life long ago lived and the new adventures of life

 

My eyes watered as I looked at my angel of wisdom, my angel of guidance.

My words were brittle and my power weak.

“Angel of Wisdom.”  I paused.  “Angel of Guidance.”  My head slumped forward.  I felt a weight in my chest.

“My life, I feel as though I have squandered my time here.”  I looked to my angel.  “Have I wasted my whole life?  Have I touched others and left a mark in their heart?”

 

A pause moved through the air as my angel looked into the distance.

I could feel his heart align with mine, “I have been around the world.  I have met many people.  I would say that you’re ahead of the game.”  My angel spoke to me.

 

Tears welled within me and I wiped them away.

My angel of wisdom, my angel of guidance

My wayward traveling friend

My friend, the father of all souls.

You gave me the strength when I had none

You inspired light as I sat in darkness

 

You are my friend, my father, a love of my life I shall always remember

From the waking days of my life to the ethereal walk of death you will always be remembered, you are my wisdom, you are my father

You are the truest of all true souls

And my beacon to life.

 


 

My Champion, my Protector, my Archon

My Champion, my Protector, my Archon 8/23/16

 

He was a soft voice in the darkness, a man with a sweet smile.

He told me stories and made me laugh.

He held my hand as I cried.

He held my hand as I screamed.

He held my hand as he watched me in agony.

 

He was my guardian angel, my archon on the people.

With his slick words and call to action,

He eased hearts of those who saw me as evil

 

He brought loads of coffee, placing them into the hands who were hurt by me.

He told them stories of great glee.

He was the champion of the evil within me.

 

My guardian Angel

My guardian Angel  8/23/16

She was my person, my champion, my guardian.

She fed me, clothed me and stood against the forces of hell for me.

She carried her rallying horn and built an army of angels to stand beside her, to protect me.

She held my hand, laid beside me and told me stories.  She kept me there, even when I was ready to go.

She anchored me when I began to float away.

She pulled me in when I felt I had nothing left to give.

The Gargoyle beside oblivion

The Gargoyle beside oblivion 8/23/2016

 

It was a dark time, unlike anything.

It was a place deep to the abyss of the sea.

There were dark monsters and ghosts that surrounded me.

I was alone and surrounded by shades

I could feel their tendrils wrap around me and their glass teeth chew on my flesh.

There were clicks and pops, roars of wind and chains of sin.

I went to a place where I laid alone, no body to have.

On my back staring at the starless sky, I saw nothing to ease my pain, just an empty oblivion, waiting to consume me.

 

There was an ever so silvery slick chill that identified to me, that somewhere else, there my body would be.

The slick chill warmed. Becoming so hot sizzling like grease in an old iron pot.

The heat wrapped around each part of me, enveloping and squeezing every nerve within me.

The pain became so great, for a moment I felt my body, begin to convulse and shake.  My breath began rapid as I began to squeal.  The demon inside me looked at me.  I tried to find peace but there was nothing to be found, only agony, unbelievable, unimaginable agony.   An agony that danced against every chord of my existence. Playing a hellish cacophony of heart rending wreckage.

The pain was so great it became eternal, I found no end.  It ran and poured and blasted as a river would. It became the one thing, the only thing, the everything I felt.

I snapped, screamed and pleaded for mercy, I begged with tears to end it all.  The all had become something that had rendered me into something,

a something that simply,

was something, that was nothing at all.