Rationality is one of the seven positive roots of the Tree of Life. It’s the act of fueling our thoughts with positive energy. With it we make sound emotional decisions supported by reason.
Throughout the years, I’ve watched the world become something other than what I thought it was. People doing things that don’t make sense. Their motivations are undiscernible. In a story, a character must be believable and so must their motivations. In life though, that doesn’t seem to be the reality. The only commonality I’ve seen is that people who hurt, hurt others. Some people hurt so much they become unbelievable villains. Their only drive, the motive of their actions is to watch the world burn.
In my journey, I’ve blamed myself here and there. I’ve been convinced I was the villain, the destroyer of this relationship or that one. Was encouraged to believe my actions resulted in the destruction of something beautiful, a treasured and wonderful relationship. It’s not true.
I am not solely responsible. You are not solely responsible. We, however, together in our relationships, we are solely responsible.
If I were healthy, I wouldn’t have dated my ex.
At least not in the way that we coupled. The way it happened wasn’t fair to her ex, her or me.
I was used. Used for all sorts of things that honestly isn’t any one’s business. The primary one, the one I want to share, is I was made into a tool. A weapon to help end my ex’s relationship with her lover. That’s not fair. I’m not an instrument for someone else to terminate their relationship. I know what that feels like, it sucks to be the stepping stone for someone else. It hurts to be the placeholder till someone else comes along. That’s not me. I don’t want to see anyone else hurt. I’m done hurting, I don’t want to hurt anyone else.
With that said, it was still a WE, we both contributed to what happened. I may have been on pain meds, recuperating from having my lung removed and looking down the barrel of chemotherapy. I was lonely and afraid. She was there, she made herself present and so, I quickly fell in love. Ultimately though I am equally responsible for another person’s pain and to that person I am sorry for that.
I’m sorry that I hurt you.
It is never my intention to hurt another person. There are times when I’m overcome with the experience of life and the things I say are raw and hurtful. I’m not a perfect person, I feel and love, all sorts of imperfections can be found within me. I have cancer for god sake, there is no way I’m perfect.
So, what does all this lead into?
The positive root of rationality is more than accepting your role in relationships, it’s acknowledging and respecting their ebb and flow. We’re not always equally responsible at every moment. A wise man once told me this ebb and flow is akin to a seesaw. Sometimes you’re in the air and sometimes you’re not. There are times when we are more responsible, times when we have less.
Malfunction – Tree of Life