Romance – Body of Life


Romance Life

Romance is a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love.

Silver and gold garland wreathed around the needle-sharp Christmas tree. An array of glass and plastic ornaments hung from hooks like stems of fruit on the pine branches. Spiraling luminescence gracefully undulated from a string of rainbow lights.  A sparkle caped angel rested atop the lush tree, but it was the brilliantly wrapped gifts tied with bows that were the culmination of excitement.

Hundreds of cookies rested in old popcorn tins. Homemade fudge, pies, cakes and all sorts of scrumptious treats were in abundance. The house was a Christmas treasure land, my mother made sure of that. Each year she made everyone’s favorite, mine were fork mashed peanut butter, snicker doodle and chocolate chip cookies. The experience was one of love, in the moment and in memory.

These lessons, memories, moments are the foundation of how Me-of-the-Past and Me-Now romance life. I desire for my relationships to show love in the same way my mother showed how to romance the holidays.  Find the beauty in the world around you, and you will be filled with it.

When filled with beauty, we accept and nurture hope. We can take this small gift and place it into the palm of those we love. By passing even a spark we can ignite a great fire and inspire a conflagration of joy, peace and harmony.

All actions may have great return. The love shown to me, expressed by my mother, has, continues and will continue to enrich my life.


Healthy Relationships – Body of Life

Healthy Relationships

Healthy Relationships

So much has changed since I began this journey. Many of the thoughts I wrote are no longer what I believe now. A good number were force fed to me by Ino. Spoonful’s of his hurt jammed down my throat into my heart. I have a peace-love relationship with my time with him. My heart has found peace, I no longer suffer with animosity or anger toward Ino. I love him as I would any person. The hurt he fed me has been spat out and the sour taste washed away. This peace has opened the pantry door for me savor the experience of healthy relationships.

From Ino and the Wolf in Sheep’s clothing I’ve discovered a quality I look for in others. True Empathy, the kind where hurt spoken is investigated before being dismissed. I want a friend in my corner who will listen to me, before they cast out my feels on this or that. The same is what I want to give, and that is exactly what will be given.

I’ve always believed that your lover should be your friend, your best friend. They should be your partner in crime, your battle buddy, your advocate. In my last relationship, I didn’t have this. It was a clear parameter set by them, a line I wasn’t allowed to cross. Healthy Shawn White would have ended the relationship then and there. Me-of-the-Past and Me-Now are a lot stronger than Chemo-Me, or Post-Chemo-Me. I was in too deep, too much in love during a troubling time to let go. It was the right thing for me, it was the affection and attention I needed. There is nothing I regret about that relationship. It was, as it was, and everything it was meant to be. I’m at peace with it and have moved on.

Every Relationship is Different

I believe that every relationship is different, each with its own social contract. Though different, all are similar in that they’re defined by the personal boundaries of at least two people. I dig love, life, adventures and dreams, but without personal boundaries none are possible.




Emotional Creatures – Tree of Life

emotional creatures

Emotional Creatures

Like mist on wind, streaming violet light floated alongside swirling smoky circles. This spiraling purple luminescence twisted like ivy into twirling portals of light. Opening into doorways these portals brought a gathering of faeries, emotional creatures dancing and singing. One fey creature moved toward me, alone, with divine grace. Walking, dancing, prancing across the floor, her little feet created magical waves in her wake. There was a certain sadness to her, though her walk feigned a joyous heart, tears hid behind her sad eyes. Though her curly blonde hair bounced as she neared me, there was stillness to her spirit, a sorrow to her soul. Her friends remained at the entrance, through the fog of their peaceful presentation radiated discord.

With a half broken smile her lips mustered the strength to speak.

“Daddy?” The little Fey looked toward my eyes. “I’m lonely. Will you be my friend?”

Tend to your emotions

The Tree of Life is home to all things that are, and are not. It is our home, the person we are now and who we desire to be. Without it we don’t exist and to deny it is a fate worse than death. Our temple is our tree, we must honor, love and respect it. It is an Artifact of our lives and we must decide whether it is a positive or negative influence.

Living on and around our tree are all sorts of creatures. Our emotions are creatures of all sorts, from little pets to wild animals, from brownies to totems, from Seelie to Unseelie. We have a responsibility to them, they are our children. To be a proper parent we must tend to their needs. Sometimes they come to us crying, begging to be loved. Other times they demand attention kicking and screaming. It is up to us to discover the needs of each of our creatures and to give them what they need.

Horse Emotions – Tree of Life


Reprieve – Body of Life



For nearly two years before my diagnosis I felt sick. It was an uncertain kind of sickness, an icky acid like irritation in my veins. There was a slow lethargic tug in my muscles and a teary pain behind my eyes. I was given a reprieve after my surgery. That break ended once I started the insightful experience of chemotherapy.

Now as I sit here I can feel that acid yuck crawl back into my body. My soul parts are clean and my mind is right, but I can feel the old pains return. I’ve earned a clear, healthy mind and with it I realize the constant state of pain that is my existence.

In reflection, I realize it’s this pain that’s incapacitating me. I’ve spent countless hours analyzing my malfunctioning parts and now I understand where it’s coming from. The problem is my body is in a great deal of pain. I’m trying to offset it, but no matter what I do, I can’t.

The sensation is akin to little fires burning on a cellular level all throughout my body. It’s a subtle pain, slowly over drafting my bank account of agony. The sensation seems to access a different kind of Tolerance Barrel.

Lately I’ve attributed the sensation to dehydration. After observing my liquidity levels I realize this isn’t the case. There have been several moments where these sensations have pushed me to nearly passing out. I move about bracing myself against objects in case I lose consciousness.

Like right now as I write this, it feels like there’s a chemical fire just under my flesh. If I hadn’t traveled through the lands of pain that I have, the agony would make me want to throw up.

Now that I know where the problem is born from, I can meditate, succumb and become one with it.

The Body of Life

When the universe gives me a reprieve, I use it to reflect on my existence.  This reflection grants me an understanding about the source of my malfunction. The origin is permeating pain.  It doesn’t matter what the actual source of the pain is, simply that it hurts.


The Body of Life – Tree of Life

Malfunction – Tree of Life

When We Malfunction – Tree of Life

The Body of Life – Tree of Life


The Body of Life

The roots feed into the body of the Tree of Life. This is a magical place, an area where we store our being. It is the symbol of who we are, what we’ve experienced and how we interpret reality.

Each ring is a year of our existence, it tells a story, chapter by chapter, the book of our life. If we read this book we can gain insight into who we are. From these tales, we can construct a map, one that will guide us in our adventure. With this knowledge, we can transition from cartographers to engineers as we reshape our lives.

This segment, the Body of Life, is dedicated to personal exploration. Together we’ll walk a personal road, getting to know ourselves, looking to the future and learning to love our lives. Come with me, I’ll lead the way. Once we know who we are, we can choose to become whoever we want to be.

Reprieve – Body of Life

Healthy Relationships – Body of Life


Forgiveness – Tree of Life



Forgiveness is one of the seven positive roots of the Tree of Life. When we feed these roots,  a weight lifts from our chest and the world becomes easier to breath. Forgiveness soothes the angry bees in our belly, takes away the lightning behind our eyes.

The act of feeding positive energy into this root is more than just saying: “I forgive you.” You have to actually deal with the issues fueling the guilt. Face down the baggage you’ve been carrying and work through the puzzles. Life is filled with all sorts of games, its a matter of solving them and learning something along the way. The guilt we feel has a value, before we can allow forgiveness to take hold we have to understand the significance of the guilt.

Ignoring your responsibility is not the same as forgiveness. Negligence is an inherent flaw of negative energy. To refuse your responsibility is denial, a negative root of the Tree of Life.

There are moments when guilt can be healthy. If we have a relationship with this root, then we wont allow it to grow longer than it needs to be. Hold onto it long enough to keep us healthy and remain accountable for our actions.

Guilt – Tree of Life



Harmony – Tree of Life



Harmony is one of the seven positive roots of the Tree of Life. It’s the act of accepting, succumbing and overcoming the past. Harmony is an experience unlike any other. It’s an abstract sensation, one of calm, of ease, of tranquility. Those who feed the roots harmony aren’t beyond the range of human emotion. Rather they aren’t haunted by it like others may be.

Living without regret is not the same as living with harmony. My proactive prevention of regret has never led to the state of peace I feel today. Instead that philosophy kept my insides from catching fire.

I regret nothing

Everything that happened has been a stepping stone to where I am now. I’ve spoken of the hardships and pain associated with being a stepping stone for someone else. Though it may have hurt, it had to happen. Some were blessings, so amazing it was an honor endure such anguish.

I’ve been in relationships with horrific and delightful partners, good and bad pairings. Though heart break permeates them all, I regret none. Even more so, I love them for what they were.

There is something to be gained from everything. If you can gleam love, a lesson or perhaps some lore it had significance.

I love everyone

It’s true, I do love everyone. It doesn’t matter if you hurt me, we never met or you’re a friend. It was a recent milestone that I discovered this, when your mile stone finds you… you will be awestruck by it.

My milestone was being cool with my brother, and letting go of the past with both he and my father.


Regret – Tree of Life