Words of Hope 20

Words of Hope 20

When storm clouds thunder and rumble, let your bellows blow. Reach into your chest and let your sadness go and perhaps the silly fun times will be begin to flow. Inspire someone’s soul with sun shine smiles. Give great intentions and subtly  guide them a mile.  Grant sweet spirits, grin ear to ear and glow with gooey goodness as you live with purpose.

Our insides can be sweet and sticky thick, like candy bits inside our spit. They may be empty and oily, perhaps slippery and slick, like a recently born yellow, cute little chick.  But in the end, if we treat them right, simply put we wont have to fight. Our emotions will be true and our judgement fair, in our life we will live with little despair.

When we take the time to care, life becomes a great little lair. It is a cozy good place, where sadness has no base and our heart is happy, without any fear. So come with me now, look to the sky and prepare yourself to fly, cause no matter how the storm clouds rumble, we’ll be ready to give, by taking great strides to live our life.


Words of Hope

Shawn White Blog

Words of Hope 19

Clinical Massage

Hope the Mouse

Hope the Mouse

Hope the Mouse

So much our time is focused on cancer that we often become it.  Every time I have a test or a scan my heart shutters and my nerves shake.  I’ve grown so accustomed to bad news that good news has become the bad.  Hope the Mouse is a representation of my fear, anxiety and guilt when it comes to the idea of overcoming cancer.

I dread the day when all of this is over (if it ever is).  The reason is because it’s like dying, when its over I will have to begin a new life, change is hard enough for most, starting over is another matter entirely.  When I was first diagnosed with cancer I experienced the death of my old life, once again when I discovered I still had cancer and again once cancer became my life.  These moments are rough and destructive to the soul, they hurt and often never stop hurting.

Without cancer I’m afraid I won’t have the same drive and purpose.  I really want to be a part of a cause that makes the world a better place. The thought of losing traction of my dream is a nightmare.  Having a singular purpose can be overwhelming, but it is so much more rewarding than the underwhelming life I once had.

I’m afraid of being cured, I’m afraid of not having cancer, I’m afraid of surviving.

These are the thoughts that plague me when I think about hope.  They’re the feelings that haunt me.  I want to live a long happy life, but the thought of Hope the Mouse is terrifying, and when I see her it makes me want to scream in terror.

Hope is not your enemy

I know that Hope isn’t my enemy.  She is a valuable tool that pushes me forward every day.  I may be afraid of her at times, but without her I can’t experience the experience of life.  Without this little mouse I wouldn’t know how to ask why, I wouldn’t have the force of will to continue to walk and I wouldn’t have the heart to help others.

Hope is the true engine of my existence.  My force of will determines who I am. With these two powerful elements I can overcome anything. When, not ifWhen I overcome this cancer I will continue to help others.  Ultimately it is what is on the inside that determines who we are and what we have to offer.  On the inside, I have Hope, the cute, yet terrifying mouse.  She has guided me, continues to guide me and will always guide me.

Links

If you would like to continue your reading journey consider some of these fine links.  I’m sure you will find something that will fill your fancy.

Cancer – Personal Advocacy

Caretakers – Personal Advocacy

Abuse – Personal Advocacy

 

Growth – A New Universe of Cancer

growth
Growth

A New Universe of Cancer is about growth.  We have to see a problem before we can question it.  After we have asked the right questions we can discover an answer and grow from it.

So what then is the problem?  The problem is that I am afraid.  Why am I afraid? I’m afraid because my tolerance level is constantly being exceeded.

Questions

Where did those questions come from and how did I find the answers?  In math I’ve heard that teachers want to see their student’s work to see how they discovered their answer. My teachers never really cared.  I once had a class where I did the work for every question, got every single one wrong and the teacher never said a thing. 

In life though, knowing how you came to a conclusion can be just as important as the answer itself.  Evil often manifests when the Ends justify the Means.  Growth and Personal development is lost when we fail to observe our tracks.  We need to plan our steps so we can control where we end; and look back to know where we began.

You and I don’t need someone to tell us if we are right or wrong.  We have to wait to see the results to determine the outcome based on our growth.  The class I had with the negligent teacher may have impaired my ability to learn, but it doesn’t impair my quest for personal advocacy.

Fear – A New Universe of Cancer helped me express what I was feeling.  It also helped me boil down the contents of my life into its components.  It was then that I discovered what was hurting me the most.  Fear is the culprit, it was tearing me apart.

I looked back at some of my old posts.  One of the valuable parts of this blog is that it helps me document my personal exploration.  Within this documentation I discovered a theory I had about constant pain.

“The discomfort I feel on a daily basis helps me maintain my focus for change. The stress I experience from these sensations can be positive but I foresee a problem. My daily scare could lead down two possible negative paths.

Answer

I am in a constant state of fear, chasing my own tail in a never ending cycle.  My state of fear started once the neuropathy took a foothold in my life.  Since then I have been trying to find a way to overcome it.  Its not necessarily the neuropathy that I want to overcome though, its the fear of it, which then became the fear of the fear.  I have been trying to find a way to stop my fear of fear, but I have failed at every turn.

I have learned to succumb to pain, nausea and all sorts of anger, but I have not found a way to succumb to fear.  Everyone, especially my father likes to say that anger will eat you up like cancer, but for me it has been fear.  Not of him or anyone else, but of not being able to live life the way I want to live it.

If you would like to continue the journey through a New Universe of Cancer feel free to click this link.

 

Fear – A New Universe of Cancer

fear

Fear

I’m feeling better today, I think my nausea spell may have been due to stress. Perhaps I’ve focused so much on the future, I failed to live in the now.  As I think about it though, I’m starting to realize that maybe the stress is just another symptom, maybe the real problem is fear.

An ever present force in my life has been fear.  Fear that the things I’m experiencing now will always be the way I experience them.  I’m a human and like any human I love the experience of experiencing life.  Nearly every ounce of my force is being spent on fighting this fear.

To combat it I’ve been running myself ragged researching everything I can to make things better. Unfortunately I don’t have enough energy to really make any meaningful improvements.  To get that energy I have to make sacrifices and work hard.

Improvements

This week I started physical therapy and it was rough.  The pain I experienced afterwards contributed to the stress.  I know now that I worked myself too hard. If you are having a hard time walking for days afterwards I think its a clear indication that the intensity was too high.

I’ve been doing pulmonary rehabilitation, which has been difficult.  The challenge hasn’t been to the degree of the physical therapy but it taught me quickly what my limitations are.

On Monday I will be meeting with a nutritionist.  I have wanted to have a healthy life style for a long time.  The addition of a clinical nutritionist will become a valuable asset as I move forward in my pursuit of total body wellness.  Food is the first medicine.

Next Friday I will be meeting with a neurologist, I hope he can shed some knowledge, maybe help me find an ounce of comfort in my neuropathy battle.

Reflection

I do my best to be positive.  It isn’t beneficial to compare my physical ability to my old self.  The best I can do is push forward, be healthy and have realistic goals.  My physical goal is to one day run a mile.  My running goal, like every other one requires I take it one step at a time.

It has been fascinating to witness the degree of strength and endurance I’ve lost. I watched it was slip away, but apparently more of it drained away than I realized. The process of learning how to live with my new body has been an ongoing process.  Each step I make is another success, another tool in succumbing to this new life and living life to its fullest.

Life can easily become discouraging when you compare your new existence to the old.  Though I think it is important to reflect on the past, it is more important to live in the moment.  Live in the moment with an overlay of the positive moments from the past.

Conclusion

Everything works until it doesn’t, or because we stop doing it.  The maintenance of change can be enduring, but necessary if we want to achieve a desirable quality of life. As I reflect on my morning of… discomfort, I am able to spot areas of my life where I have not been using all of the tools available to me.  I could blame anything or come up with some kind of excuse as to why, but that’s wasted energy.

Instead I need to focus on positive endeavors, overlay powerful memories and reprogram my perception.  Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) was my greatest ally during chemotherapy, it took horrendous moments and made them trans-formative ones.

Maybe I’m too focused on my neuropathy.  Perhaps I’m working so hard to succumb to it that I’m overwhelmed by it?  Overwhelmed by the sensations and lack there of.  I’m thinking that the nausea was a manifestation of my terror, the fear that it is going to be permanent.

If you would like to read more about my thoughts on stress, advocacy or what my journey through cancer has been like, feel free to click on this link.

Nightmares and Fear – A New Universe of Cancer

nightmares

Nightmares and Fear

I have nightmares every time I fall asleep.  There is so much terror and uncertainty in my life that it is sneaking into my dreams.  Today I spoke to my psychologist about the things I have experienced.  It seems like if it isn’t one thing, then its another, or another, or another.  These horrible experiences keep finding me.  Its like I am continually being baptized by fire.  I do my best to make the best of it.  I try to see myself as a hunk of steel being forged into a sharpened blade.

All of the forward momentum and force of will has its limits.  Eventually you start looking at yourself asking why, why do these things keep happening to me? What am I doing that is causing all of these horrors?  What can I do to stop it?

I have been pushing the idea that I am not my cancer, but right now I feel like I am my agony.  My life is a mass of terrible things that are very uncomfortable.  In every corner there is either worry, pain or fear, and I have found no way to escape or overcome it.

If you would like to continue following me in my journey through cancer feel free to click this link to read more.

Suffocation – A New Universe of Cancer

Suffocation

Suffocation

Suffocation or at least the feeling of it is terrifying.  Every day I get to sample what its like to feel like someone has a bag over my head. The airway feels clear, but it feels like I’m not getting enough oxygen.

Last night I had more than one of these suffocation scares.  I had one walking to my car after my group therapy meeting, the other was getting ready for bed.

The experience is scary.  When it begins I can feel something strange, an odd sensation in the place that was once between my lungs.  It feels swollen like feelings, it feels like it is pressing against something that’s making it hard to breathe.  As I pull the air in, I can feel it fill my remaining lung.  No matter how hard I pull in, it makes me think I’m not getting enough oxygen.  I can feel my lung fill to capacity, but its just not enough.  This makes me breath harder and faster.  I try to breath slowly, I really focus on it, but as I’m trying I begin to fear suffocating and my anxiety begins to grow.  It takes several moments to navigate through this horror.  Afterwards I am left exhausted.

Fog of Complacency

Earlier in the evening I had a conversation with a young man about existence and purpose.  I shared with him that I believe we often live in a fog of hypnotic complacency.  It’s only after we’ve crossed a threshold of tolerance that we take action and do something about the things in our lives that bother us.   We use this moment as a catalyst to change, once this pain drops below our tolerance level the motivation disappears.

The pain I experience on a daily basis keeps me motivated to change it. Essentially my barrel is constantly full, making me want to continually take action.  The breathing, the feeling of suffocation is a daily stress that helps keep my barrel full.  I am constantly beyond my tolerance level.

Conclusion

The discomfort I feel on a daily basis helps me maintain my focus for change. The stress I experience from these sensations can be positive but I foresee a problem. My daily scare could lead down two possible negative paths.

  • The first is it becomes normal and so my tolerance level is increased.
  • The second is that it puts me in a constant state of fear.

The value of this interaction is that it opened my eyes to the potential negative outcomes of this pattern.  Perhaps the knowledge that these things could happen, might help me live a better life.

If your would like to continue flying in your spaceship through the Universe of Cancer feel free to click on this link.