Hope 22

Words of Hope 22

What makes you feel right? Is it a dark scary night? A woeful wind? A roaring rain?

Do you feel at peace when your heart is teased, when you can’t find release, perhaps when your bound in bondage?

Are you free when you can’t see or are in agony?

What is harmony? Is it a moment of dancing with glee? Perhaps when you discover your destiny? Is it a moment when you can simply be?

Can you reach inside yourself and find the things you need? Are you a circle that is complete? Are you ready to be set free?

Are you ready to breath?


Words of Hope

Words of Hope 21

Memories

NCAN

Shawn White Blog

 

discomfort

Permission to Feel

Our lives are saturated with so many sensations; being in and out of love, feeling unstoppable and stuck, fearless and fearful. Sometimes we are in the throes of pleasure or pain, lost or losing ourselves in the moment.

When dreary discomfort overcomes us, we can look lovingly at life. Open our beaten and blackened eyes to see the light, a sight that lightens our load and lifts us to a state of delight.

However sometimes our eyes are not easily opened. The world will punch and kick and beat us to a pulp. It will pound us when we fall and it will stomp us on the ground. Our eyes are hard to open when bruised and swollen. They are hard to open when dreary discomfort overcomes us, in these moments its hard to look lovingly at life.

It’s ok, its alright to lay with your eyes closed. Your eyes don’t always need to see this grand light. You don’t need to be positive and joyous every moment of every day. The brilliance of the sun comes and goes, when the dark of night finds us it’s time to slow, to sleep and rest.

To be positive when it’s time to embrace the negative, is like suffering a migraine in the midst of bright light.

Do what is right for you right now. Tend to the darkness when it is time. Love the feels even as they hurt. Embrace the experience of the experience.

Give yourself permission to feel,
what you feel.

Sick – A New Universe of Cancer

Sick

Sick

Today I intended to have my scan but last night I felt terribly sick.  I hadn’t thrown up that much since chemo days.  I was up all night, so once the hour was close to my appointment I attempted to get a ride to the scan.  It would have been irresponsible to drive in my fatigued state.

Luckily the mixture hadn’t been created and I was able to reschedule.  I don’t know what had me so sick, I am not nauseated now, not since this morning. Maybe it was food poisoning?  The flu? Perhaps it was stress?  It could have been any number of things I suppose.

I’ve been focusing on stressful things as of late.  Maybe this is a sign that I need to change gears and add more levity to my routine.

Projects

I’ve been researching oncology massage, I am still very early in this process. By profession I’m a massage therapist, I love helping people.  Massage therapy when performed by a trained therapist can have instant and positive rewards.  It is one of the few things in life that has this ability.  So many other things in life that provide instant gratification isn’t healthy.

I mentioned this before, currently I am developing a booklet focused on self advocacy for patients.  Right now I am searching for others who’d like to be a part of this project, my goal is to create material for people who’ve been recently diagnosed.  I want it to be something a patient could refer to at any phase of their journey.

If you are reading my blog and have any questions about it feel free to post a comment and we can discuss further.

If you have enjoyed this post and would like to read more about my journey through cancer feel free to click on this link.

February 12, 2017 Vlog

February 12, 2017 Vlog

The focus of this Vlog is your feelings.  Throughout my journey I have been told by so many people that I should feel this or feel that.  Ultimately what you should be feeling is whatever your are feeling right now.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to my Vlog.  If you would like to read what I wrote I have it below.  Thanks for listening. 

Feel your feelings

Hello my name is Shawn White, but you can call me Shawn White.

This is my vlog, this is your blog, this is for anyone who is exploring their heart and strumming its strings.

It is a place where I can express my feelings, to swim through the open waters of emotion, and find my way to warm shores.

I want to find a beach so bright with golden rays that I can revitalize my heart.  Sand so soft and smooth I can dig my feet deep and anchor myself in place.   A place I can enjoy the cool slow moving wind and enjoy it until the end.

This Vlog is not about what some would call sad, or bad.  It is not about smiles or laughs.  This Vlog is about life, it is about experience, it is about being human.

Throughout my cancer journey I have been told many things. Ultimately of all the advice given to me, the greatest given was by a man whose name starts with the letter S.  He is a wise gentleman who has inspired me to accept and explore my feelings for what they are.

From his words to mine, I believe the greatest advice I could give, is to follow your heart like a toucan’s nose.  Whatever you are feeling is the one you should know.  Live your life, feel whatever you are feeling.  If you are angry, be angry, if you are sad, be sad, if you are thinking about death, think about death.  Stop refusing to experience your emotions because it might make someone else feel comfortable.

Live your life, feel your life, embrace the experience of existence.

Feel your feelings

 

If you would like to read more about my thoughts and our journey through cancer feel free to click this amazing link!

Suffocation – A New Universe of Cancer

Suffocation

Suffocation

Suffocation or at least the feeling of it is terrifying.  Every day I get to sample what its like to feel like someone has a bag over my head. The airway feels clear, but it feels like I’m not getting enough oxygen.

Last night I had more than one of these suffocation scares.  I had one walking to my car after my group therapy meeting, the other was getting ready for bed.

The experience is scary.  When it begins I can feel something strange, an odd sensation in the place that was once between my lungs.  It feels swollen like feelings, it feels like it is pressing against something that’s making it hard to breathe.  As I pull the air in, I can feel it fill my remaining lung.  No matter how hard I pull in, it makes me think I’m not getting enough oxygen.  I can feel my lung fill to capacity, but its just not enough.  This makes me breath harder and faster.  I try to breath slowly, I really focus on it, but as I’m trying I begin to fear suffocating and my anxiety begins to grow.  It takes several moments to navigate through this horror.  Afterwards I am left exhausted.

Fog of Complacency

Earlier in the evening I had a conversation with a young man about existence and purpose.  I shared with him that I believe we often live in a fog of hypnotic complacency.  It’s only after we’ve crossed a threshold of tolerance that we take action and do something about the things in our lives that bother us.   We use this moment as a catalyst to change, once this pain drops below our tolerance level the motivation disappears.

The pain I experience on a daily basis keeps me motivated to change it. Essentially my barrel is constantly full, making me want to continually take action.  The breathing, the feeling of suffocation is a daily stress that helps keep my barrel full.  I am constantly beyond my tolerance level.

Conclusion

The discomfort I feel on a daily basis helps me maintain my focus for change. The stress I experience from these sensations can be positive but I foresee a problem. My daily scare could lead down two possible negative paths.

  • The first is it becomes normal and so my tolerance level is increased.
  • The second is that it puts me in a constant state of fear.

The value of this interaction is that it opened my eyes to the potential negative outcomes of this pattern.  Perhaps the knowledge that these things could happen, might help me live a better life.

If your would like to continue flying in your spaceship through the Universe of Cancer feel free to click on this link.