Most times when I breathe it hurts, like a knuckly knot tying off the life to my lung. Sometimes when I breathe it feels light, gentle and soft like a soothing sheet cuddling us asleep. Tonight as I lay in bed waiting to dance my sleepy time tunes my heart bounces behind my chest. It’s a rhythmic lullaby, a soothing story, a ballad of better times. The air is easy and for a change I do not feel queasy. My heart feels loved and I’m not being shoved. I feel good, great and even better now I am in a sleepy state. This is a marvelous moment, a comfortable time and a sign of a soothing scene that is coming to me in the land of dreams.
I’ve been very tired these last few days, sleepy tired. Sleepy like cute little kitty kitties. I’m fatigued now and I’ve only been up for a short time. I wanted to stay the night with my lady friend but I was too sleepy to drive over to her place. Its a different kind of tired, its a cleaner feeling, its not the bone crushing weakness of chemo. I would describe it as a softer, sleepier sensation. The kind where you want to snuggle under some sheets and curl into the some blankets till you fall asleep. The nausea and other unpleasant sensations are there as well, but aren’t as bad as they were the other night.
If I could I would love to just sleep and sleep and sleep, but that’s the road to bad things. My cats love to sleep but even they are social creatures. They need interaction and so do I. Though my cats may love me, I love people and much of my energy is formed from the relationships with others.
This journey has taken much of my ability to flutter like a social butterfly, but one day I intend to reclaim that skill. I think that once I can put all the feels of now into the feels of the past folder, all will be moving in the right direction.
Fatigue seems to be one of the many sources that steals away much of what I have in life. Fatigue and all those other unpleasant sensations. It is important to a have a shout out for all the other baddies.
If I were to guess why I was so tired? I’d say the problem lies in my nutrition. If I ever knew how to feed myself I no long know now. I don’t even know what kind of groceries I should get when I get to the store.
When I get home I’m too tired to do anything with the food. I know the best way to get energy is to spend energy, but when you don’t have any to spend, you can’t make more. I’m not going to make wishes about this or that, but I will say that I am glad I was finally able to schedule an appointment with a clinical nutritionist on Monday.
This person is not going to be the end all be all, but they can be a start. I have the chance to improve my life through their education.
That’s where I am not and why I didn’t post over the weekend. I hope that you all are feeling super great and had fantastic adventures!
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