Late at night I notice my neuropathy the most, its also when I am alone. The two are a terrible cocktail, especially when I begin to consider how much more I can tolerate. I have known pain and agony, but this sensation or lack there of is maddening. I need to feel the world, living without sensation is unbearable. There is so much pleasure in the world, so many wonderful experiences derived from touch.
These late nights are trying times for me. When the sun goes down, my insomnia shifts into gear and I lose focus, sometimes the world looks like a blur and other moments I stare too deeply and get lost. Its hard to hold on to the world when you can’t feel it in your hands.
Time traveling through Cancer
The idea of time traveling through cancer might seem silly, but its the best way to create change. I would like to see this change end with the outcome of personal advocacy.
I wish I had someone in my life who was a true motivation. Someone who could have been my health advocate, someone who could have helped me avoid all of the pitfalls I faced. I could wish I was the only one who would ever face these pitfalls.
Those wishes ultimately amount to nothing. They lead to regret, a feeling that celebrates inaction, leading us to say “I wish this and I wish that.”
Truly at the end of the day I should have been my own motivation, my own advocate.
Throughout my life I’ve been able to avoid buyers remorse through my proactive prevention of regret. My cancer journey has been more powerful than most of my philosophies, I hope that I can hold onto my drive and purpose, and retain the significance I see within my gift of cancer.