Fear – A New Universe of Cancer

fear

Fear

I’m feeling better today, I think my nausea spell may have been due to stress. Perhaps I’ve focused so much on the future, I failed to live in the now.  As I think about it though, I’m starting to realize that maybe the stress is just another symptom, maybe the real problem is fear.

An ever present force in my life has been fear.  Fear that the things I’m experiencing now will always be the way I experience them.  I’m a human and like any human I love the experience of experiencing life.  Nearly every ounce of my force is being spent on fighting this fear.

To combat it I’ve been running myself ragged researching everything I can to make things better. Unfortunately I don’t have enough energy to really make any meaningful improvements.  To get that energy I have to make sacrifices and work hard.

Improvements

This week I started physical therapy and it was rough.  The pain I experienced afterwards contributed to the stress.  I know now that I worked myself too hard. If you are having a hard time walking for days afterwards I think its a clear indication that the intensity was too high.

I’ve been doing pulmonary rehabilitation, which has been difficult.  The challenge hasn’t been to the degree of the physical therapy but it taught me quickly what my limitations are.

On Monday I will be meeting with a nutritionist.  I have wanted to have a healthy life style for a long time.  The addition of a clinical nutritionist will become a valuable asset as I move forward in my pursuit of total body wellness.  Food is the first medicine.

Next Friday I will be meeting with a neurologist, I hope he can shed some knowledge, maybe help me find an ounce of comfort in my neuropathy battle.

Reflection

I do my best to be positive.  It isn’t beneficial to compare my physical ability to my old self.  The best I can do is push forward, be healthy and have realistic goals.  My physical goal is to one day run a mile.  My running goal, like every other one requires I take it one step at a time.

It has been fascinating to witness the degree of strength and endurance I’ve lost. I watched it was slip away, but apparently more of it drained away than I realized. The process of learning how to live with my new body has been an ongoing process.  Each step I make is another success, another tool in succumbing to this new life and living life to its fullest.

Life can easily become discouraging when you compare your new existence to the old.  Though I think it is important to reflect on the past, it is more important to live in the moment.  Live in the moment with an overlay of the positive moments from the past.

Conclusion

Everything works until it doesn’t, or because we stop doing it.  The maintenance of change can be enduring, but necessary if we want to achieve a desirable quality of life. As I reflect on my morning of… discomfort, I am able to spot areas of my life where I have not been using all of the tools available to me.  I could blame anything or come up with some kind of excuse as to why, but that’s wasted energy.

Instead I need to focus on positive endeavors, overlay powerful memories and reprogram my perception.  Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) was my greatest ally during chemotherapy, it took horrendous moments and made them trans-formative ones.

Maybe I’m too focused on my neuropathy.  Perhaps I’m working so hard to succumb to it that I’m overwhelmed by it?  Overwhelmed by the sensations and lack there of.  I’m thinking that the nausea was a manifestation of my terror, the fear that it is going to be permanent.

If you would like to read more about my thoughts on stress, advocacy or what my journey through cancer has been like, feel free to click on this link.

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