Abusers are thieves plotting to steal what we need. They feed us spoonfuls of bullshit to veil their taking as giving. Their agenda is to weaken our walls with the goal to gain access to our soul.
Ordinarily life is pretty damn hard. When we get sick or injured it gets even more difficult. There are people in the world like Ernest the life coach who teaches people their pain is their fault. They instruct us that our anger is the reason we are ill and if we wanted to heal we would.
Anger and heart break are healthy feelings. They help us cope with change and trauma. Without exploring anger, we would never be able to grieve anyone or anything we’ve lost.
When I was going through chemotherapy I was told I shouldn’t be angry, sad or fearful. I needed to express my feelings but there was no where to vent it. Every time I tried someone would tell me I was wrong for feeling these negative emotions.
In my last month of treatment, I attended a group meeting at the Cancer Support Community. It was everything I needed. I was surrounded by so many insightful, loving and enduring souls. They were the first to give me permission to feel what I felt. As a result, the emotional acid of my heart stopped burning my insides, instead it started to pour out. Over time the hurt healed, and I relearned to live.
Its hard to give yourself permission to feel when we have people like Ernest in our life. Telling us we should never explore or express our anger or trying to convince us the only true emotions are love and fear. Having an Ernest in our life is like trying to light a fire with someone continually dowsing our flame with dirt.
If you’ve been hurt, feel what you feel. In this confusing world lets make it easier by accepting that our emotions are important and are a part of us. Treat them like little creatures who must be housed, fed and handled with care. As you experience each emotion, tend to it with love. Explore it with Hope, Wisdom and Forgiveness.
Our Boundaries are our Weapons
Abusers will insert subtle suggestions to slowly condition their mark to be more pliable. After the abuser has infected their mark the abuser can begin their assault. The manner of an abuser’s assault will vary widely. Some, like Pea Weasel and Ino might dismantle relationships and support systems until their mark no longer has control of their life. While an Ernest holds their cards tighter to their chest, playing a longer game.
Whatever their game might be, the best strategy to beat them is to not play at all. The most effective way to defeat an abuser is to make sure they never have the chance to hurt us. We achieve this by exploring our emotions and discovering what they need to feel safe. Then we look closely at our past to learn how to protect ourselves from the predators who hurt us before.
With this information we can begin setting our internal and external boundaries. We maintain these walls by keeping our vents open, loving our feelings and having the willpower to say no.
To fight abuse, we have to set effective personal boundaries. We must draw a line in the sand and say “No, Stop, Do Not Cross!” We must have the force of will to stand up for ourselves without compromise.
An effective personal boundary is one that we will enforce at all costs.
Boundaries are proactive, not reactive. A proactive boundary is one we’ve explored through introspection. We’ve poured concrete and stacked stone blocks to build fortified walls.
A boundary without introspection is unfair, offensive and dangerous. If we are unaware of our boundaries we cannot protect ourselves from our enemies. We leave ourselves open to the assaults from abusers seeking to violate us and we also create circumstances where we might abuse others.
Those who have been abused have a hole in their defenses and the Inos, Ernests and Pea Weasels will always try to exploit it. Abusers are predators, once they find the weakest in a crowd, they start their hunt. Since we are their prey, we must develop a way to defend ourselves. The best way is to investigate ourselves and see where the hole is and how it got there. Knowledge is power, with this power we’ll plug this hole and prevent them from hurting us. This is achieved with effective personal boundaries.
Personal boundaries are the only way to end abuse. If we don’t stand up for ourselves no one else will. Abusers will find us whether we are healthy, sick, young, old, hurt or healed. However, if we build sturdy walls, learn to say no and have effective boundaries we will free ourselves from the bondage of abuse.
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