Denial is one of the seven Negative roots of the Tree of Life. It is what opened the hellish portal leading to the end of my romantic relationship. This root stitches blinders to our eyes, placing us in eternal darkness, hiding us from the world. In summary Denial may easily be summed up with the statement: “I am not this, I don’t have that.”
My denial manifested after my lung was removed in July. I desperately wanted to believe I was no longer bipolar. This desperation influenced my research and lead me down the path of pseudo science. I wasn’t completely aware of it at the time, but I stretched science to convince myself my manic depression was cut out with the enormous tumor in my chest. There were subtle tactics I used to convince myself it was gone, repeating that reality over and over until I believed the falsehood.
I’m not entirely sure I completely believed the idea. The signs told me that I hadn’t cycled for so long it was impossible that it was still with me. Though I saw this pattern and the science felt like it didn’t match up there was a lingering itch within me. I believe that I secretly knew it wasn’t gone, but wasn’t willing to accept it.
Truth be told having cancer was a large enough disease.
The idea of having two chronic illnesses simply was too much.
It took a long time, but I am no longer in denial. I am so far away from denial I have embraced the reality of the disease. Now I have accepted it, I have removed the root of Denial and replaced it with the positive root of Acceptance.