Malfunction is one of the seven negative roots of the Tree of Life. Its the verb of irrationality, the moment when our dark spots push our buttons and insanity fills our hearts. This root fuels many of the actions that destroy the relationships closest to us and the one we have with ourselves. Malfunction says: “I want to hurt; I want to cheat, I want to lie, I want to hurt someone.”
Malfunction manifests in all sorts of ways. Some lie, some cheat, some people even get into fights, my malfunction doesn’t manifest in those ways. Instead mine manifests through the desire of being hurt. I don’t particularly enjoy pain, truly pleasure is preferable in my book. But when my mind is malfunctioning, I look for ways to be hurt. This shows itself in a number of ways, one that is easy to see is through the act of cutting. I haven’t done this for a number of years, but there was a time when I sliced into my flesh with razors.
What do I get out of it you ask? The real answer is simple: nothing.
We can rationalize this irrational behavior all we want, but ultimately it does nothing for us. For years I said that it helped wake me, it pulled me from the numbness caused by the ever present scream. For a moment I could feel something. If this were true then we would stop with the first cut, we wouldn’t slice into our flesh over and over.
I have overcome the desire to cut, but I still yearn to be hurt. This is the next path I seek to solve, to transform my irrational desire into the positive root of Rationality. We are emotional creatures that do things that make little to no sense to our minds. My desire to be hurt will one day be transformed from the negative root of malfunction into the positive root of Rationality.