Memories are something we take for granted. They are little creatures that run around doing their things, reminding us of all the moments which made us who we are. They tell us who should be special and why.
As I return to clarity I can feel my mind settle. A cloud of dust is being blown away and I’m able to once again see these little creatures. I’m reminded of the time when I was living at my sister’s house. There were small moments of peace in the hell of my recovery. Simple pleasures where I felt myself slowly falling… hoping that it was more than just a moment. It was a time of many firsts and it would continue to be a time of firsts.
I look back and ponder the significance of their misplacement. There are lessons in everything. Why would the world take those creatures from me? What was the lesson I’m supposed to learn? It was the medicine who stole those early months from me. Why is the universe starting to give them back?
The summer was hot and the sun was bright. I remember slowly ambling down the road, my side hurting and my head full of drugs. So many confessions were made and reality felt so unreal. I lost sight of tomorrow, all I could know was now. Those times were so terrible. The people who came to me, held me and guided me through. These are and were so important, why did they go away?
It itches my eyes with tears to think about it.
These memories would have been of greater value to me when my Malfunction returned. Perhaps it could have pushed away shame and reminded me I do have a place to share my pain.
I think about the jail bed, the ramp bed and the loneliness at night. The loneliness that was filled with the company of someone who cared. I can see and feel the memories like never before. The tears I feel, the sadness is real, it isn’t earth shattering sorrow, burning anger or depression, instead its love. I am sad because those moments conjure memories of love and softness.
Perhaps these memories were waiting to find me once I had clarity. A clean vision of life, where I could be reminded that not everything was terrible. That in the cold darkness there were glimmering angels of light.
It feels good to feel, to feel the right way.
To feel love, in a loving way.