For nearly two years before my diagnosis I felt sick. It was an uncertain kind of sickness, an icky acid like irritation in my veins. There was a slow lethargic tug in my muscles and a teary pain behind my eyes. I was given a reprieve after my surgery. That break ended once I started the insightful experience of chemotherapy.
Now as I sit here I can feel that acid yuck crawl back into my body. My soul parts are clean and my mind is right, but I can feel the old pains return. I’ve earned a clear, healthy mind and with it I realize the constant state of pain that is my existence.
In reflection, I realize it’s this pain that’s incapacitating me. I’ve spent countless hours analyzing my malfunctioning parts and now I understand where it’s coming from. The problem is my body is in a great deal of pain. I’m trying to offset it, but no matter what I do, I can’t.
The sensation is akin to little fires burning on a cellular level all throughout my body. It’s a subtle pain, slowly over drafting my bank account of agony. The sensation seems to access a different kind of Tolerance Barrel.
Lately I’ve attributed the sensation to dehydration. After observing my liquidity levels I realize this isn’t the case. There have been several moments where these sensations have pushed me to nearly passing out. I move about bracing myself against objects in case I lose consciousness.
Like right now as I write this, it feels like there’s a chemical fire just under my flesh. If I hadn’t traveled through the lands of pain that I have, the agony would make me want to throw up.
Now that I know where the problem is born from, I can meditate, succumb and become one with it.
The Body of Life
When the universe gives me a reprieve, I use it to reflect on my existence. This reflection grants me an understanding about the source of my malfunction. The origin is permeating pain. It doesn’t matter what the actual source of the pain is, simply that it hurts.