I know of no words that can effectively express the sensations i am experiencing. My body hurts in so many alien ways it is difficult to find peace or even the eye of the storm. But at least I have my fancy bag of tricks to find my way back to the boat. I put myself back at a time when I was in a healthier, stronger place. The energy of then, invigorates me now. It fills me with a good reminder of the healthy life on its way. That there are no such things as good and bad experiences, only opportunities for greater wisdom.
The world is a beautiful place. Filled with so much wonder and awe. Laying here i feel that more than ever before. Every moment is a reminder that every moment should be treasured.
The power of this fatigue is incredible. I have never felt so exhausted in my life. The draining energy sensation is felt all the way to the center of my bones.
In these moments when all there is, is that one sensation, I do my best to become one with it. There is no sense in fighting something I cannot stop.
To fight the sensation is to squander the potential of the experience. It doesn’t make it any easier, it simply shows value to a moment I might have otherwise not saw.
Easily the most uncomfortable treatment thus far. I feel miserable and Im tired of going through this.
It hurts and Im out of energy but this too shall pass. I look back and know it will become a tool that I will use to help someone else.
The chemotherapy is just one of many rites of passage into the world of helping others.
In this life if you want to survive you have to grow, test boundaries and work hard for what you want. To face down your hardships you need fuel, you need food, you need whatever it takes to keep your heart and mind nourished.
Some weeks ago I was down, lost and depressed. I was lost in the moment and angry, lonely and in desperate need to grow, survive and to thrive. I felt imprisoned within my own home, I was lonely and bored. I felt healthy for the first time in ages and I was stuck where I was. It felt like my feet were encased in a block of cement.
I was on the phone with a close friend of mine Darnel. He reminded me that I have everything I need right in front of me. If getting healthy is what I needed, then I could do all the exercises I needed from the safety of my home. I could read and research and that I had the ability to accomplish anything as long as I set my mind to it.
Sometimes all we need is that spark, a small flame to reignite the pilot light of our heart. It is a powerful thing to witness how much influence such a small spark can have on the human soul.
I have found that pushing a cart through the store and loading groceries on a conveyor belt makes me exhausted in ways my vocabulary cant adequately describe.
Though it is a very painful experience I am grateful that I have this magical life to live. These experiences whether good or bad are better than none at all.
One day I will look back at moments like these and use what I have learned to empathize and inspire and to help others help themselves.
It gets better, we get stronger, we learn and we grow from it. If we put our positive vibes into the universe they will return to us.
I start my next round of fancy chemo therapy tomorrow. Some would describe it as flying though the air while sitting in a snazzy chair with fish hook shaped needle in your chest.
It is my long day, so perhaps I will post a silly picture of me with my new dew.
Chemo is like the Tooth fairy but instead of stealing teeth it steals hair. Thats why I think it should be called the Hair fairy. The Hair fairy is a jerk!