Death, Dreams and Passions

Thoughts from 2015


Last night while at work, I was dealing to several gentlemen.  Well before I go any further let me define dealing, I am in fact a poker dealer at a casino here in Saint Louis.  Back to the story,  we got onto the topic of life and death, dreams and passions and the value of life.

One of the gentlemen, we will name him Sweat Pants Guy. Sweat Pants Guy asked me what I wanted to do career wise, and what my dream job would be.  The first one is hard to answer, cause well, ultimately my dream job would be one that would use my skills.  A place where I could problem solve, interact with people, and leave a lasting impact on my workplace.  I went on to say that I wanted to be able to fulfill my basic needs to maintain a harmonious life.  These needs being to inspire, to provide joy and to help other people help themselves.

Sweat Pants Guy asked me what my dream job would be, and I told him it would be to create children programs that would teach them domestic skills, so they could grow up and be self sufficient.

He went on to say that those things are “all fine and dandy, but you have to be able to feed yourself at the end of the day.”  I agreed with him, but went on to say that money and food alone is not enough to feed me.  I need to have an impact on the world, to feel like I have made a difference.  That to make a difference you have to be willing to devote yourself utterly and completely to your cause.  I do not fear hardship just like I do not fear death, and that is why I will achieve these needs and dreams.

Another gentleman at the table, we will name him Friendly Philosopher; he asked me to describe why I don’t fear death.  I said that I do not fear death, but if you put a gun to my head I would be afraid.  It is human nature for my sympathetic nervous system to rise at the threat of danger, but as I move through life I do not fear the end.  Instead I believe that it is the finality that life provides that motivates us to do something with our lives.

This motivation in life is that I try to live like I have already died, and that I am looking at the snap shots of my life that I am most at peace with.  This leads me to make the best possible decisions.  These actions that I take however, are not with the hopes of going to a pleasant life after death, nor are they out of fear of going to a place where I will be punished.  Simply put I believe that doing good and the right thing should be done, because they are the right thing to do.

Friendly Philosopher asked me if I believed in god, and I told him that I did.  He was surprised, and told me that my philosophy was not typically found in people who believed in a higher power.  I was going to continue that conversation, but a man we will describe as Angry Muscle Guy told me that I need to shut up and deal.

The comments of Angry Muscle Guy are pretty standard, whether the game is moving at the appropriate pace or not.  Angry Muscle Guy is the stereotypical representation of how people dehumanize employees within the customer service industry.  His demand that I shut up, then became a string of insults, all of which I addressed in a civil and professional manner.

To close the conversation with Friendly Philosopher and Sweat Pants Guy, I told them that as time passes the perception of its passage gets faster and faster. If I want to be at peace with myself at the end of my life, I have to make some sacrifices to get there.

Another gentleman at the table, Loving Lawyer told me that it is simple mathematics. When you are ten years old, a year is ten percent of your life.  When you fifty years old it is a much lower percent.  Your perception changes, because you have lived longer.

I told Loving Lawyer that I agreed with him, but there is more to it than just math.  I have seen so many people walk through life and never achieve anything more than just doing the minimum. It reminded me of a TED talks that I watched recently, where a gamer lady discussed the regrets that people had in life.  While not completely relevant to the conversation at hand, the intent was the same.

I said to Loving Lawyer that the pull of time, or at least my perception of it has become a powerful force. That at the stage I am in life, I need to do what makes me feel fulfilled.

The passage of time is ultimately subjective, we have learned that its passage can be different depending on where you record it.  I believe that it is important to not only life for the moment, but to also live it so that in the future we can cherish the moments we had in the past.  Do what makes you feel fulfilled, and when death comes to your door, you will be ready to welcome it without regret.

Miss Positive Vibe

Thoughts from 2015


Let me tell you about the magnificently amazing youthfulness of positive vibe.  She’s a spirit whose heart glows so beautiful her love flows from head to toe.  Whose love is so powerful no smile may fall to a frown, so sweet few refuse to greet.   This is the positive vibe that I know, the essence we all want to show, the spirit we hope never to let go.

When the sun sets over the horizon and we are left alone, we watch the sight of all of our might slip away in her final rays of light.  Her hand falls from our grasp, we tremble as we linger and waste.  We yearn to taste one more touch of her grace.

The dark beauty returns in her stead and she wreaths us in her embrace.  As she holds us we watch dream after dream crumble to dust, till we become a mountain of broken antiquity.  Our skin shrinks tightly around our fingers and the flesh of our form pulls tightly over bone.  The negative vibe of the dark beauty is eating us alive, and soon we know that we be no more than a husk of our former glory.

As we slowly lurch toward our final moments, the memory of the great positive vibe begins to disintegrate. We begin to believe that she never existed at all. Not a trace memory of her lurking about the dust bunnies and cob webs.  We begin to believe that it is as it has always has been. We feel alone and abandoned and love seems like a mystery, a fable, a simple a legend in a story book.

As we look up to say our good bye, it is then at that moment we see an ethereal sign. A glimmer, a shinny yet pale glow dancing in the sky.  A reflection beckons our eye, a lunar message with a silvery trace. Our heart and soul are laced with the silken strands of her grace, it is the voice of our long love.  Her words are soft and pure fitting us perfectly like a glove and through harmony we will find love.  She says we will see her again, and soon we shall know.  Our love, our positive vibe speaks true to our heart, she tells us that to be true to ourselves we must marry good and bad, we must love to be happy and sad.

In this slightly solar lit eve we begin to perceive the relationship of positive and negative and the arranged ever eternal marriage we have with it. The stillness of the air is no longer brutal, and the quiet is no longer unbearable.  We no longer miss the pitter patter of her feet, her sighs and musings.  We no longer miss feeling her warmth against us, nor her tender touch and the sweet kiss of her lips.

Now we have peace and harmony, for we know she will return, and upon her return she will leave once again.

Roller-coaster of Empathy

Thoughts from 2015


Would you rather feel a refreshing breeze against your skin on a hot muggy day, or be locked into a colorful cart with thirty people?  Of course the later would also include being launched down a rail of adrenaline pumping, super twirly twisting roller coaster awesomeness.

Personally I would prefer the refreshing breeze, but I am not one to pursue thrills on rails, or amusement parks for that matter.  I’m typically the buzz kill cause I want to treat myself with a few water rides and then head on home.

Life is kind of like an amusement park, we have all these colorful sights, all sorts of people, a million lines and lots of roller coaster rides.  Of course I can’t know exactly what another person feels, but I do know this is how my life is.  Its in my nature to experience these highs and lows, twists and turns, thrills and chills.  I love how I’ve had the opportunity to experience an incredible range of human emotion.  I have tasted the bitter breath of death, while standing at the edge of oblivion.  I have melted under the rush of a mushy gushy lovey dovey crush.  I’ve squealed while dancing head over heels and experienced the greatest pinnacle of joy.  I’ve had moments where I believed myself to be superhuman and I’ve had moments where I felt no more than a squished bug.

The importance of all of these experiences is they have allowed me to empathize with the world.  They have given me the sight to see from another person’s eyes.  They have shown me that even at the worst of times, when I want to kick off my shoes and jump to the next life, that we can choose to turn around and hitch a ride, to continue our adventure in the road of life.