chapter 1 deep breath

Life’s Beautiful Cacophony, Chapter 1, Taking a deep breath

Life’s Beautiful Cacophony

The Journey Begins

Chapter 1

 

Once upon a time…

Nestled within a mound of blankets, I listened to the muffled sounds of my bedroom. Individually they were annoying, together they were an orchestra, a comforting cacophony, a loving lullaby.

Outside my cave of warmth, was a frigid bedroom. Like a vampire, the morning air leeched the warmth from my room. Leaky air whistled from a poorly sealed window. An electric hum played with a rhythmic rattle. The ceiling fan spun, releasing sounds like tearing paper with an occasional crunchy click.

Blissful was the moment, safe and comfortable within my sanctuary of warmth. As the sun rose, my inside parts advised me to wake from my slumber. Lying in bed I relished the comfort of my cocoon. I yawned, and with a deep breath I felt something, an uncomfortable itch, a juicy-sludge within my chest.

I coughed to clear whatever it was. Instead, it moved a gurgle of something, a certain something somewhere. Again, I coughed, the slick thickness found its way into my mouth, it was a viscous, coppery, sticky… slickness.

The taste forced open my eyes, something strange was happening… I needed to spit this out, to get this mystery liquid from my mouth. Reluctantly, I reached my arm beyond the barrier of blankets.

Intense barely describes the cold sensation that wrapped my arm. The temperature contrast was excruciating, so cold, so shocking… it made me gasp for air.

The deep breath rattled my insides. I erupted into a coughing fit and with each hack, a glob of thick, mysterious, goop filled my mouth.

My fingertips discovered and grabbed a tissue box. Eagerly and with haste I pulled it under the covers. Slowly my flesh thawed, warmth returning to my skin.

After a moment of recuperation, I placed a tissue against my lips and spat into it. Cough after cough I went from one tissue to the next.  It hurt, it was a dry pain scouring my lungs for this neverending nastiness. I continued to hack until all the tissues were sopping wet. “What is going on?”  My heart worried, I needed to see what was on these tissues.

Raising my head from my cocoon I looked down. It was cold, but the chill paled compared to my terror. My heart sank into my stomach, the world slowed, and my heart raced. It was at that moment I realized every tissue was soaked in crimson, red, blood.


Words of Hope

Shawn White Blog

NCAN

Hope 3

Words of Hope 3

When the world is terrible, and it seems, there is no end in sight I do my best to write. I start with sorrow and sadness and penetrating strain. Then I search inwardly to find a purpose to the pain. Once I see the clue I move on to what I must do. I take the bitter and the bad and everything sad, pouring and mixing it into a bowl I make a batter that will soothe the soul.

After its baked I take a taste and help others learn we have no time to waste. No matter how bad we feel there is always a time to playfully squeal. Every bad is a blessing, every laugh a gift, and in the end that is the best tip.

Words of Hope 2

As you swim in the splashing sea you may feel the fish nibble at your feet. It is scary and may leave you weary, but you must force yourself forward. Push hard when it feels like you're flopping and floating, but know each stroke brings you closer to the coast.

I encourage you to keep Hope in your periscope and never be discouraged. See passed the stillness of the sea and the distance to the sandy shore. Know you are closer than ever before. There will come a time in the distant now when the might of your movement will take you to that perfect place, that incredible island, the sanctuary of your soul.

Words of Hope 4

Your journey has begun and it might not be fun. The first steps may feel slow and sluggish but soon you’ll have waded through the water. Your feet will settle in the sand and your heart will warm with resolve as all your fears dissolve.

Hope 5

Words of Hope 5

It can be hard to love life, especially when we are feeling pain. We fight and scream, kick and punch, battling to hold it at bay. The agony can make us angry, sad and afraid, and that’s OK. The feels you feel are the right ones to feel. Be angry, sad and afraid. But, know there is light at the end of the road. When the sun rises and lights up the land, it will warm our skin and show us a new day is about to begin.

 

Hope 6

Words of Hope 6

Be the fortune cookie your friends need you to be. Stand beside them as they fight. Help them surrender and swim when they’re sinking. Take comfort serving as a friend, a beacon and their guiding light in the darkness of their life.

Discovering Forgiveness

Discovering Forgiveness

Forgiveness soothes the angry bees in our belly and it makes it easier to be. To let go and forgive we must tend to the issues fueling our pain. Sometimes solving this problem can be as complicated as a Cenobite’s puzzle box. In many ways our life is a series of games. Hopefully they become easier along the way as we learn from each.

A big part of forgiveness is accepting everyone makes mistakes. Once we realize and accept this it should become easier to forgive, but it typically isn’t. We are so quick to damn others we fail to see how horrible we are making the world and how vile we are acting. Before getting angry about what someone else did, pause and take a breath then try to empathize with them. Empathy is a key component to solving the Forgiveness puzzle.

If we want forgiveness we must be willing to forgive. The world can be a terrible place, why make it any worse? The more we demand others to suffer, the more we are camouflaging vengeance as justice.

One reason Forgiveness is challenging is because we hurt. Most have not figured out how to give purpose to the pain and so we live a life of suffering. The more we hurt the more suffering we can dispense.

A lot of people refuse to forgive because they confuse it with forgetting. It is important to remember forgiveness is not forgetfulness. When we forgive it is a personal journey of letting go. As we release all those bad feels our suffering begins to diminish and the pleasant glow of peace manifests on the horizon.  By forgiving others we protect ourselves and slow our downward spiral into bitterness.

Road

Our Road

We all have our own road, whether it is cracked asphalt, grey gravel or cobblestone. When we are young someone holds our hand, teaching us where to step. Somewhere along the way our guide disappears, and we convince ourselves we must continue alone.

Entering adulthood, we grab our keys and race on the highway of life. We speed along watching the world flash by. Sometimes we peek at the rearview mirror to see what we missed.

It’s a hard road to drive, especially alone. The nights can become long and lonely and as we travel, each city blurs into the next. We lose sight of what we are seeing, especially once we close our eyes. There comes a time when we have seen so many horrible things we no longer want to look. Once we stop looking we miss the magnificence, because in every sight is a scene of horrific beauty and every second is a snap shot of infinite wonder.


Words of Hope

Shawn White Blog

Clinical Massage

discomfort

Permission to Feel

Our lives are saturated with so many sensations; being in and out of love, feeling unstoppable and stuck, fearless and fearful. Sometimes we are in the throes of pleasure or pain, lost or losing ourselves in the moment.

When dreary discomfort overcomes us, we can look lovingly at life. Open our beaten and blackened eyes to see the light, a sight that lightens our load and lifts us to a state of delight.

However sometimes our eyes are not easily opened. The world will punch and kick and beat us to a pulp. It will pound us when we fall and it will stomp us on the ground. Our eyes are hard to open when bruised and swollen. They are hard to open when dreary discomfort overcomes us, in these moments its hard to look lovingly at life.

It’s ok, its alright to lay with your eyes closed. Your eyes don’t always need to see this grand light. You don’t need to be positive and joyous every moment of every day. The brilliance of the sun comes and goes, when the dark of night finds us it’s time to slow, to sleep and rest.

To be positive when it’s time to embrace the negative, is like suffering a migraine in the midst of bright light.

Do what is right for you right now. Tend to the darkness when it is time. Love the feels even as they hurt. Embrace the experience of the experience.

Give yourself permission to feel,
what you feel.

manuscript

The Manuscript of your Life

Your story is awesome, overwhelming and beyond imagination. Your life is a book, but it’s probably not a best seller. It’s a rough manuscript stained with coffee rings and nicotine. It’s not the clean, crisp, perfectly penned pages found in a book store. Instead it is aged, torn and sloppily written.

A best seller is a natural page turner, exciting in all the right ways and follows a fantastic formula. Our daily lives are unremarkable, our scenes make little sense and the narrative is shit. Nothing seems to happen for any particular reason, the rise of action rarely leads to anything great. It’s like an under dog story without overcoming the odds, or a redemption story without redemption.

When we read back over our life book it seems like none of the characters make any sense, the bad guys always win and the plot seems to be completely absent.

Throughout our lives we grab at our hair and pull it out screaming “Why the fuck is this happening to me? When will any of it ever stop?”

It is easy to get caught up in our lives. Often we mistake ourselves as the main character of the story, so why wouldn’t we? If we arent the main character, then who is?

Chill, drink a cup of coffee and burn your candle at both ends. Miss a night’s rest and immerse yourself in this crap life of yours. Take some time and figure out what the fuck is happening and try to do something about it. If you need to complain or cry or beat yourself up then do it. Wallow in your misery, let it infect every spirit fiber of your being.

Take some time and get to know your pain, make it your friend. While you’re at it think about your mortality and look back on your life. How remarkable has it been? How much good have you done for others? What is your legacy?

At the end of your life story will it have been written with the blood and tears of others? Will it be a terrible tale of envy and anger? Will it’s pages be aged, wrinkled and bound into a bloated book?

Or will you have lived a good life, a loving Life? An existence committed to the enrichment of others? A life with purpose. A purpose that was right for you, one of empathy, compassion and critical thought. A story you wrote, a narrative you drove forward with your own blood, sweat and tears?

Did you learn along the way that you are not the main character? That others have feelings, make mistakes and are bumbling through this complicated existence just like you?

Take a breath. Take a big ol breath. If you are reading this you aren’t dead. You are alive. Even if you are laying on your death bed waiting for the ticks of time to slip away there is still hope. With hope there is goodness, you have time to do good, be good and help others feel good. You have time to leave your anger at the door, to invite love in your life and embrace the fate you make.

The pain you feel might pass, it may never pass. It might ride you like a jockey till the end of the race. But that’s alight, I believe you will find a way. You will climb the tallest mind mountain and experience an epiphany that will forever transform your life.

A life that is awesome, overwhelming and beyond imagination. One without clean, crisp and perfectly penned pages. It will be a rough manuscript stained with coffee rings and nicotine, it will be aged, torn and sloppily written. It will be the best tale, the greatest story, it will be the book of your life.

 

Hold onto the light

The Glory of Hope

Sometimes we hear or see something that rattles us so deeply we experience physical pain. This week I experienced this kind of heart wrenching insight.

To be inspired like this is rare and beautiful. Opening your heart, allowing the feels of another to settle on your spirit.  I felt the vines of my inside zones grow and twist around my spine, reaching to my brain, planting itself deeply into my mind.  Listening and feeling the journey of others, I lost myself in their eyes. For a moment I could taste their world, feel their wind against my flesh and breath their air.

There are definitive moments when our life changes. When the leafy roots of another intertwine ours, wrapping their life force around and infiltrating our soil.

These thoughts are not romantic ramblings, they are a reflection on life. An expose on the wonder and awe of existence, how each of our lives intertwine.

A week of experiences culminated to the most beautiful moment. I held my Acre, my soft, loving cat in my arms as he slowly fell asleep. As I petted him I thought about how I had never held him in a such a way. How much I will miss him when he passes. How much I love him.

The world is a hard place, so dark and dreary. It is horrific in many ways, sometimes it feels like there is no end to the evil, terror and pain. So much cruelty enacted upon others, so much flesh torn and ripped, it is easy to fall prey to the idea, that our world is a nightmare.

There is more than darkness, more than unyielding agony, more than all-consuming fear. Look about the room and you will see a simple golden light. With this light we can have faith there is good in the world, beauty in life and a purpose to the pain. Hold it tightly and don’t let go. Hold on to the light for it will give you Hope that you will feel love, life and the glory of goodness.

 

People in your Life – Read some delightful poetry!

people

People in your Life

 

How wonderful are the people in your life?

Are they marvelous?

loving?

spectacular?

Do they fill your inside zones with joy?

Are they the delicious cream of your soft scrumptious eclair?

Do they own your heart and soul?

Did you give this as a gift?

or were your bones broken as they peeled your fingers back?

to snatch and grab your heart from  your battered and beaten hand.

Do they bounce your soul like an old rubber ball?

Like they don’t care about it at all?

letting it fly this way and that, bouncing down the bleak empty hall.

or do they nestle it against their chest?

cuddling

kissing

Loving it for All

 

You want me to do something – Poem

 

 

Threes a bean and his girlfriend Snur

Threes a bean and his girlfriend Snur

 

Three’s a bean 

and silly to be

He likes cats and furs 

and especially his girl friend Snur

 

She likes big fancy things

and things that sing

She likes love and likes and really fast bikes

and especially her big boy friend Three.

 

Together they were a pair

Living like two beans in a snare.

They danced and pranced 

and moved with glee.

 

Sometimes they would leave their trap

to follow a map

traveling to places

from here to there

They would see things 

Having fun and such

Holding hand in hand

protecting each other from the hot covered sand.

 

One day

which is now

They left for a trip

Together just the two

Walking from here to there

and there to there

they found spiky, pokey burly bur cover land

It was there, there was no way round

only option was to go back from where they were found

 

With smiles on their face

and anticipation on their brow

they tip toed here and there

avoiding this and that

as they walked this sticky stucky place with their shoe-less feet

 

Three the bean began to find things with his feet.

OW!

He said

OOOH!

WEEE!

WOAH

OH I THINK THESE THINGS ARE STUCK IN MY TOE!

 

Snur stopped and turned

her face was filled with concern

She knelt close to take a look.

surely whirly there it was, that burly bur was sticking stuckly right from that bulgingly big toe!

 

She said:

It

This thing

This thing I see

It sticks out

for everyone to see!

It so big, bigger than big

Its enormous! How were you able to step on something so huge?

 

The eyes of Three widened

His eyes filled with fear, how bad could this be?

With a weakened soft voice he said:

That thing

That’s what you see?

It sticks out?

Its so big? How can this be?

How will I ever go free?

 

She pondered and thought

then one idea came

it was with her fingers

that she would set him free

with two fingers pinching

she sure did squeeze

Snur pulled that big ol’ bur

and threw it into the leaves

after a single moment 

they both could see

he, Mr Three the bean was finally free!

 

Looking ahead

A long trip they saw

Burs and sticks and stones dotted as far as their eye could spy

Snur looked at Three’s clumsy feet

Though they were big, though she loved their strength

knew he was no acrobat

surely he would step on every burly bur as he walked through the burs and sticks and stones

 

With a welcoming smile Snur said:

Come here my big fine man

Come take my hand

Come climb my back

Come be my sac pack

Let me 

your girlfriend Snur

carry you pass all these burs.

 

In our Life – Poem

 

 

You want me to do something – Poem

You want me to do something

You want me to do something

 

You want me to do something

That something isn’t fair

I’m not the instrument of your destruction

The implement of despair

 

You gave me something

A gift you wanted me to share

It was a broken piece of glass

A little piece of a bowl

 

When you look at it closer

It’s a window to the soul

A little shard of intimacy

The knot between you and another

 

Words and parts,

People and places

Events and things

All sorts of feel-ings

 

You wanted me to cut them

A slash that would wound me too

That broken piece of glass

So calculating, so sharp

 

Your desires, your dreams

What do they even mean

Why would you do this

Is your heart that a miss

 

So black and dreary

Full of so much pain

Why do you want to take so much…

from my vein?

 

 

You set me to flame

Truly tell me,

What in the world do you have to gain?

 

Links

I am strong – Poem

 

 

Thank You Tony Strutynski

Thank You Tony Strutynski

Thank You Tony Strutynski

Thank You Tony Strutynski

Tony, a man I’ve given many names, shared many moments and many conversations with. He has been my friend at my best moments and my worst. As he walks candy coated love explodes from his chest and skittle flavored rainbows shoot from his mouth. There is no one I know who cares about their friends like this beautiful man. His heart is sweet in such a way he reminds you it’s cool to be a kid and alright to be an adult. He inspires me to write, fight and be the Shawn White I am today, yesterday, everyday.

This is a man who passes no judgement, carries no gavel and most likely doesn’t eat any gravel. He’s down with silliness, ridiculousness and all the Shawn White tomfoolery I can toss at him.

This is a man who mowed my lawn, changed my cat litter boxes and made sure I was alright every week while I was in all my troubled times. He helped me when I needed him, going above and beyond what would be fair for any friend.

He is an inspiration to me, a motivation to me.

Tony thank you for being my friend. A great friend. A true friend.

I can only hope to be an ounce to you as you have been to me.

Links

Thank You Christopher Burke

Equal and Peaceful – Poem

Equal and Peaceful

River mud caries on the wind, massaging our flesh like a lover’s touch. Flowery fuzies float in the air as spring snowflakes. Life is better than good, better than bad. It is equal and peaceful.

It feels good to look at the world with open eyes. A vision with clean filters of peace and harmony. Free of weight, without the world’s mass pinning us down. Our knees no longer press against hard stone. The blood, the pain, the agony is gone. No longer do we live in fear, in pain or with anger. Together we are enjoying the moment, loving the world and the miracle of life.

No longer do we eat the meal of sadness and joy. They’ve become candy sprinkles, a sugary delight, an occasional pleasure. It’s no longer about what we’ve faced or the feel of our face. It’s about the look of their face, the love of their face, the love on our face.

Life is more, less, exactly as it’s supposed to be. Not backwards or forwards, here or there. It’s more than nothing, less than something, not even or odd. Life is beautiful, awe-inspiring, beyond imagination, finite and infinite.

Links

Blooming Sadness – Poem

At Peace – Poem

 

 

 

 

thank you christopher burke

Thank You Christopher Burke

thank you christopher burke

Thank You Christopher Burke

Tonight was quite the evening. I read aloud many poems. Engaged in heart provoking conversation. Last, but far from least, listened to poetry that moved my heart. One performance caught my ear above and beyond all others. It moved me to such a degree that tears wrapped my eyes. This poet, this storyteller strummed my heart and played my soul.

Ordinarily I avoid the use of names in my posts, but today I must pay homage where it is due. I’ve never had the pleasure to be captivated and liberated by the words of one person. There has never been a moment where words pulled me into them with such gravity, such power that my being was absorbed. Where the sound of his stories reverberated and transformed the spirit matter of my being.

If you ever have the opportunity to hear the words of this man, I suggest you take the time to sit and listen to the tales of his heart. Relax your shoulders and lower your walls and you will be pulled into a land beyond heaven and hell. You will be in the realm of truth, of excellent of raw, unfettered humanity.

I cannot thank him enough for sharing his inside parts. Truly, deeply he has inspired my inside zones. Simply awesome! Awesome in the truest sense. Thank you, thank you Christopher Burke.

Links

At peace – Poem

Abdomidon – Retro Poem

Abdomidon

The fire Abdomidon rides in the night air as we speak

In the night of the ever cold

The moon light chill burns my flesh to goose bumps standing on end, awaiting orders.

The hairs on my thin white flesh rise like stems of bamboo sticks of the color green, blowing in the midnight wind of the moon.

The blood rushes red to my skin to warm it with the underneath touch

I shiver and grasp the blue denim jeans of outside cold chill to warm my tightening joints.

The cold jeans warm nothing to my hands of frost, the old man of winter wished upon me.

My eyes blink as the cold sharp winds rage my face.

I bring my hands to shelter the tender flesh of my face. The cold digits of my hands protected nothing. The winds cut deep into my eyes. My green eyes, my blue green eyes.

Tears ball up, and struggle to maintain order within, protecting them from the pain and damage of the wind

I turn my back on this sharp skin ripping dull wind.  Its cold air wisps up my back and under my soft wool and cotton. Riding the pale hair up my back, entertaining my spine.

My teeth chatter with desperation.

My knees tighten and wobble

My nose grows red

The cold of my toes grow to pain

The chill filled eyes scratch to look around

Searching for an end to the pain

 

The eyes turn sharp, and dart and dart

and the body withers and shivers

As a rumble is heard.

 

Links

Simply Gorgeous – Poem