The Tale of Carinoid chronicles the experiences of my cancer journey through poetic expression.

My Champion, my Protector, my Archon

My Champion, my Protector, my Archon 8/23/16

 

He was a soft voice in the darkness, a man with a sweet smile.

He told me stories and made me laugh.

He held my hand as I cried.

He held my hand as I screamed.

He held my hand as he watched me in agony.

 

He was my guardian angel, my archon on the people.

With his slick words and call to action,

He eased hearts of those who saw me as evil

 

He brought loads of coffee, placing them into the hands who were hurt by me.

He told them stories of great glee.

He was the champion of the evil within me.

 

My guardian Angel

My guardian Angel  8/23/16

She was my person, my champion, my guardian.

She fed me, clothed me and stood against the forces of hell for me.

She carried her rallying horn and built an army of angels to stand beside her, to protect me.

She held my hand, laid beside me and told me stories.  She kept me there, even when I was ready to go.

She anchored me when I began to float away.

She pulled me in when I felt I had nothing left to give.

The Gargoyle beside oblivion

The Gargoyle beside oblivion 8/23/2016

 

It was a dark time, unlike anything.

It was a place deep to the abyss of the sea.

There were dark monsters and ghosts that surrounded me.

I was alone and surrounded by shades

I could feel their tendrils wrap around me and their glass teeth chew on my flesh.

There were clicks and pops, roars of wind and chains of sin.

I went to a place where I laid alone, no body to have.

On my back staring at the starless sky, I saw nothing to ease my pain, just an empty oblivion, waiting to consume me.

 

There was an ever so silvery slick chill that identified to me, that somewhere else, there my body would be.

The slick chill warmed. Becoming so hot sizzling like grease in an old iron pot.

The heat wrapped around each part of me, enveloping and squeezing every nerve within me.

The pain became so great, for a moment I felt my body, begin to convulse and shake.  My breath began rapid as I began to squeal.  The demon inside me looked at me.  I tried to find peace but there was nothing to be found, only agony, unbelievable, unimaginable agony.   An agony that danced against every chord of my existence. Playing a hellish cacophony of heart rending wreckage.

The pain was so great it became eternal, I found no end.  It ran and poured and blasted as a river would. It became the one thing, the only thing, the everything I felt.

I snapped, screamed and pleaded for mercy, I begged with tears to end it all.  The all had become something that had rendered me into something,

a something that simply,

was something, that was nothing at all.

The Book of Carcinoid

Book of Carcinoid

 

Without apology I sing to you

Without regret I move forward into life

With life, I live, never to once again squander

 

I sing to you tonight the tale of a hard time, a tale of a beautiful time, the tale of the Book of Carcinoid.

 

This journey, this tale, has made me anew,

I have been transformed

I have been reduced and resurrected.

Not in a million lives would I ask for another road, not for the greatest gold would I ask away this favor, not for the most powerful magics would I trade away my journey.

These songs, these harrowing ballads are the places I have been, the angels I have loved and the demons I have faced.