a new universe of cancer

A New Universe of Cancer

This is a tale, a journal about my quest in life, a walk down one of its many roads. A New Universe of Cancer is a series of blog posts that illustrate my journey, its an opportunity for you to read my journal.

Come with me and join in my adventure.  Watch as I transform and learn how become a better human.  Move with me as I overcome hardship, embrace love and find my way in these turbulent waters as I swim through the abyss.

In the following blogs you will discover who I was at the beginning and then watch who I become.  It is an opportunity for you to look at yourself and see that you are where you are now.  But as you read, perhaps you will begin to change, perhaps you will move down the very same road I’m on.  You will take the next step as I take my step.  Then at the very end maybe you will be able to look at yourself and see a change.  Perhaps, finally at the end, you will have gleamed more from all of this than I have.

Weekend – A New Universe of Cancer

weekend

A Good Weekend

It was a fine weekend, I ate some tasty foods, had some good laughs and spent time with a handful of my favorite people.  Comfortable sleep was had and great fun was in abundance. All in all the last several days have been swell.

On Friday I met with a nutritionist, she was a lovely human being, truly an angel. An angel who was educated and informed.  She spoke to me like a person.  I can’t tell you how wonderful it was to sit down with her, ask her questions and have them answered.

I also met with a neurologist.  That doctor was another anomaly, he, like the nutritionist took the time to listen and answer my questions. Even if he couldn’t solve my problems, or provide a definitive answer.  He treated me with respect, he seemed like a genuine person, the kind of person who cares about others.

The weekend was great, it was a refreshing and invigorating break.

Links

If you would like to look back in time and read some of the older posts of a New Universe of Cancer feel free to click on one of these links.

A New Universe of Cancer

Growth – A New Universe of Cancer

A Cancer Journey – You are more than your cancer

If it would fill you will super joy to read about my journey through personal advocacy click on one of these fancy links.

CSO – Personal Advocacy

Cancer – Personal Advocacy

If you would like to read about some of the feels of chemotherapy then one of these links would be a great place to start.

The Flavor of Food

Neuropathy

Growth – A New Universe of Cancer

growth
Growth

A New Universe of Cancer is about growth.  We have to see a problem before we can question it.  After we have asked the right questions we can discover an answer and grow from it.

So what then is the problem?  The problem is that I am afraid.  Why am I afraid? I’m afraid because my tolerance level is constantly being exceeded.

Questions

Where did those questions come from and how did I find the answers?  In math I’ve heard that teachers want to see their student’s work to see how they discovered their answer. My teachers never really cared.  I once had a class where I did the work for every question, got every single one wrong and the teacher never said a thing. 

In life though, knowing how you came to a conclusion can be just as important as the answer itself.  Evil often manifests when the Ends justify the Means.  Growth and Personal development is lost when we fail to observe our tracks.  We need to plan our steps so we can control where we end; and look back to know where we began.

You and I don’t need someone to tell us if we are right or wrong.  We have to wait to see the results to determine the outcome based on our growth.  The class I had with the negligent teacher may have impaired my ability to learn, but it doesn’t impair my quest for personal advocacy.

Fear – A New Universe of Cancer helped me express what I was feeling.  It also helped me boil down the contents of my life into its components.  It was then that I discovered what was hurting me the most.  Fear is the culprit, it was tearing me apart.

I looked back at some of my old posts.  One of the valuable parts of this blog is that it helps me document my personal exploration.  Within this documentation I discovered a theory I had about constant pain.

“The discomfort I feel on a daily basis helps me maintain my focus for change. The stress I experience from these sensations can be positive but I foresee a problem. My daily scare could lead down two possible negative paths.

Answer

I am in a constant state of fear, chasing my own tail in a never ending cycle.  My state of fear started once the neuropathy took a foothold in my life.  Since then I have been trying to find a way to overcome it.  Its not necessarily the neuropathy that I want to overcome though, its the fear of it, which then became the fear of the fear.  I have been trying to find a way to stop my fear of fear, but I have failed at every turn.

I have learned to succumb to pain, nausea and all sorts of anger, but I have not found a way to succumb to fear.  Everyone, especially my father likes to say that anger will eat you up like cancer, but for me it has been fear.  Not of him or anyone else, but of not being able to live life the way I want to live it.

If you would like to continue the journey through a New Universe of Cancer feel free to click this link.

 

Sleepy – A New Universe of Cancer

sleepySleepy

I’ve been very tired these last few days, sleepy tired.  Sleepy like cute little kitty kitties.  I’m fatigued now and I’ve only been up for a short time.  I wanted to stay the night with my lady friend but I was too sleepy to drive over to her place.  Its a different kind of tired, its a cleaner feeling, its not the bone crushing weakness of chemo.  I would describe it as a softer, sleepier sensation.  The kind where you want to snuggle under some sheets and curl into the some blankets till you fall asleep.  The nausea and other unpleasant sensations are there as well, but aren’t as bad as they were the other night.

If I could I would love to just sleep and sleep and sleep, but that’s the road to bad things.  My cats love to sleep but even they are social creatures.  They need interaction and so do I.  Though my cats may love me,  I love people and much of my energy is formed from the relationships with others.

This journey has taken much of my ability to flutter like a social butterfly, but one day I intend to reclaim that skill.  I think that once I can put all the feels of now into the feels of the past folder, all will be moving in the right direction.

Fatigue seems to be one of the many sources that steals away much of what I have in life.  Fatigue and all those other unpleasant sensations.  It is important to a have a shout out for all the other baddies.

Nutrition

If I were to guess why I was so tired?  I’d say the problem lies in my nutrition.  If I ever knew how to feed myself I no long know now.  I don’t even know what kind of groceries I should get when I get to the store.

When I get home I’m too tired to do anything with the food.  I know the best way to get energy is to spend energy, but when you don’t have any to spend, you can’t make more.  I’m not going to make wishes about this or that, but I will say that I am glad I was finally able to schedule an appointment with a clinical nutritionist on Monday.

This person is not going to be the end all be all, but they can be a start.  I have the chance to improve my life through their education.

That’s where I am not and why I didn’t post over the weekend.  I hope that you all are feeling super great and had fantastic adventures!

If your would like to read about about feel of A New Universe of Cancer feel free to click this fancy drearily friendly link.

Fear – A New Universe of Cancer

fear

Fear

I’m feeling better today, I think my nausea spell may have been due to stress. Perhaps I’ve focused so much on the future, I failed to live in the now.  As I think about it though, I’m starting to realize that maybe the stress is just another symptom, maybe the real problem is fear.

An ever present force in my life has been fear.  Fear that the things I’m experiencing now will always be the way I experience them.  I’m a human and like any human I love the experience of experiencing life.  Nearly every ounce of my force is being spent on fighting this fear.

To combat it I’ve been running myself ragged researching everything I can to make things better. Unfortunately I don’t have enough energy to really make any meaningful improvements.  To get that energy I have to make sacrifices and work hard.

Improvements

This week I started physical therapy and it was rough.  The pain I experienced afterwards contributed to the stress.  I know now that I worked myself too hard. If you are having a hard time walking for days afterwards I think its a clear indication that the intensity was too high.

I’ve been doing pulmonary rehabilitation, which has been difficult.  The challenge hasn’t been to the degree of the physical therapy but it taught me quickly what my limitations are.

On Monday I will be meeting with a nutritionist.  I have wanted to have a healthy life style for a long time.  The addition of a clinical nutritionist will become a valuable asset as I move forward in my pursuit of total body wellness.  Food is the first medicine.

Next Friday I will be meeting with a neurologist, I hope he can shed some knowledge, maybe help me find an ounce of comfort in my neuropathy battle.

Reflection

I do my best to be positive.  It isn’t beneficial to compare my physical ability to my old self.  The best I can do is push forward, be healthy and have realistic goals.  My physical goal is to one day run a mile.  My running goal, like every other one requires I take it one step at a time.

It has been fascinating to witness the degree of strength and endurance I’ve lost. I watched it was slip away, but apparently more of it drained away than I realized. The process of learning how to live with my new body has been an ongoing process.  Each step I make is another success, another tool in succumbing to this new life and living life to its fullest.

Life can easily become discouraging when you compare your new existence to the old.  Though I think it is important to reflect on the past, it is more important to live in the moment.  Live in the moment with an overlay of the positive moments from the past.

Conclusion

Everything works until it doesn’t, or because we stop doing it.  The maintenance of change can be enduring, but necessary if we want to achieve a desirable quality of life. As I reflect on my morning of… discomfort, I am able to spot areas of my life where I have not been using all of the tools available to me.  I could blame anything or come up with some kind of excuse as to why, but that’s wasted energy.

Instead I need to focus on positive endeavors, overlay powerful memories and reprogram my perception.  Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) was my greatest ally during chemotherapy, it took horrendous moments and made them trans-formative ones.

Maybe I’m too focused on my neuropathy.  Perhaps I’m working so hard to succumb to it that I’m overwhelmed by it?  Overwhelmed by the sensations and lack there of.  I’m thinking that the nausea was a manifestation of my terror, the fear that it is going to be permanent.

If you would like to read more about my thoughts on stress, advocacy or what my journey through cancer has been like, feel free to click on this link.

Sick – A New Universe of Cancer

Sick

Sick

Today I intended to have my scan but last night I felt terribly sick.  I hadn’t thrown up that much since chemo days.  I was up all night, so once the hour was close to my appointment I attempted to get a ride to the scan.  It would have been irresponsible to drive in my fatigued state.

Luckily the mixture hadn’t been created and I was able to reschedule.  I don’t know what had me so sick, I am not nauseated now, not since this morning. Maybe it was food poisoning?  The flu? Perhaps it was stress?  It could have been any number of things I suppose.

I’ve been focusing on stressful things as of late.  Maybe this is a sign that I need to change gears and add more levity to my routine.

Projects

I’ve been researching oncology massage, I am still very early in this process. By profession I’m a massage therapist, I love helping people.  Massage therapy when performed by a trained therapist can have instant and positive rewards.  It is one of the few things in life that has this ability.  So many other things in life that provide instant gratification isn’t healthy.

I mentioned this before, currently I am developing a booklet focused on self advocacy for patients.  Right now I am searching for others who’d like to be a part of this project, my goal is to create material for people who’ve been recently diagnosed.  I want it to be something a patient could refer to at any phase of their journey.

If you are reading my blog and have any questions about it feel free to post a comment and we can discuss further.

If you have enjoyed this post and would like to read more about my journey through cancer feel free to click on this link.

Gallium 68 Scan A New Universe of Cancer

gallium

Gallium 68 Scan

Today I get my Gallium 68 scan.  I am excited to receive a scan that was designed for my illness.  The part that I am not excited about is hanging out in a tube for most of the morning.  It is rewarding to do the tests that should have been done months ago.

If you would like to read more about the different experiences I’ve had during my cancer journey feel free to click this link.