malfunction

Malfunction – Tree of Life

malfunction

Malfunction

Malfunction is one of the seven negative roots of the Tree of Life. Its the verb of irrationality, the moment when our dark spots push our buttons and insanity fills our hearts. This root fuels many of the actions that destroy the relationships closest to us and the one we have with ourselves.  Malfunction says: “I want to hurt; I want to cheat, I want to lie, I want to hurt someone.”

Malfunction manifests in all sorts of ways.  Some lie, some cheat, some people even get into fights, my malfunction doesn’t manifest in those ways. Instead mine manifests through the desire of being hurt. I don’t particularly enjoy pain, truly pleasure is preferable in my book.  But when my mind is malfunctioning, I look for ways to be hurt. This shows itself in a number of ways, one that is easy to see is through the act of cutting. I haven’t done this for a number of years, but there was a time when I sliced into my flesh with razors.

What do I get out of it you ask? The real answer is simple: nothing.

We can rationalize this irrational behavior all we want, but ultimately it does nothing for us. For years I said that it helped wake me, it pulled me from the numbness caused by the ever present scream.  For a moment I could feel something. If this were true then we would stop with the first cut, we wouldn’t slice into our flesh over and over.

I have overcome the desire to cut, but I still yearn to be hurt. This is the next path I seek to solve, to transform my irrational desire into the positive root of Rationality. We are emotional creatures that do things that make little to no sense to our minds. My desire to be hurt will one day be transformed from the negative root of malfunction into the positive root of Rationality.

Links

Rationality – Tree of Life

 

Memories – Refections

Memories

Memories are something we take for granted. They are little creatures that run around doing their things, reminding us of all the moments which made us who we are. They tell us who should be special and why.

As I return to clarity I can feel my mind settle. A cloud of dust is being blown away and I’m able to once again see these little creatures. I’m reminded of the time when I was living at my sister’s house. There were small moments of peace in the hell of my recovery. Simple pleasures where I felt myself slowly falling… hoping that it was more than just a moment. It was a time of many firsts and it would continue to be a time of firsts.

I look back and ponder the significance of their misplacement. There are lessons in everything. Why would the world take those creatures from me? What was the lesson I’m supposed to learn? It was the medicine who stole those early months from me. Why is the universe starting to give them back?

The summer was hot and the sun was bright. I remember slowly ambling down the road, my side hurting and my head full of drugs. So many confessions were made and reality felt so unreal. I lost sight of tomorrow, all I could know was now. Those times were so terrible. The people who came to me, held me and guided me through. These are and were so important, why did they go away?

It itches my eyes with tears to think about it.

These memories would have been of greater value to me when my Malfunction returned. Perhaps it could have pushed away shame and reminded me I do have a place to share my pain.

I think about the jail bed, the ramp bed and the loneliness at night. The loneliness that was filled with the company of someone who cared. I can see and feel the memories like never before. The tears I feel, the sadness is  real, it isn’t earth shattering sorrow, burning anger or depression, instead its love. I am sad because those moments conjure memories of love and softness.

Perhaps these memories were waiting to find me once I had clarity. A clean vision of life, where I could be reminded that not everything was terrible. That in the cold darkness there were glimmering angels of light.

It feels good to feel, to feel the right way.

To feel love, in a loving way.

Links

The lady in the isle of Hope

shame

Shame – Tree of Life

shame

Shame

Shame is one of the seven negative roots of the Tree of Life.  It is a crushing noun, its effects touch us in every way we can imagine and more. It pulls us in, chews us up and spits us out into stringy meaty bits, its a grinder making ground meat. Shame prevents us from asking for help, its what holds us from those we love and destroys our dreams.  An easy example of shame could be said in a few comments: “Men don’t cry.  Suck it up.”

The actual definition of shame is different than the one we are using here. Shame is a synonym of guilt, but in this instance we are going to define it as the guilt we experience due to society’s influences on us, whether real or perceived.

I’ve been told by some that they were surprised I experience shame. They had an idea of me, I was this person, no.. this character who wears everything on their shoulder, giving no shits about what others may say or feel. Truth is, I’m a person just like anyone else.  I am not a character or a cartoon, I experience life just like you.  In the past I’ve made the attempt to carve my own path out in the rock of shame, by living my own life by my own terms. But there are forces that hold me back just as they would you or anyone else.

Shame was one of the powerful forces that lead to my suicide attempt.

This was not the first time this idea put me in this situation. It feels embarrassing to feel these emotions and have these thoughts. When we arrive at this low point we lose sight that there are others who have been there and want to help.

If we want to live life to its fullest we need to move beyond shame and transform it into something greater.  By walking this latest path I have learned how to put an end to shame.  By slicing the negativity from the word I have turned shame into Accountability, one of the positive roots of the Tree of Life.

Links

Accountability – Tree of Life

 

edge

Edges – Dreams

Edges

edges

I had a dream last night, it was a rare breed, so positive and memorable. Its been a time since I’ve been able to remember a dream.  I’d like to share it with you.

It was a dark sky, one slightly filled with all the stars in the sky, yet empty and blank.  Somehow, like dreams do it made sense, the existence of an impossible duality. Perhaps the presence of two things that should not exist together was a gentle nudge of acceptance.  A return to old ways, an acceptance of the things I cannot change.

I was standing at the edge of something, a series of yellow stones turned sideways.  This was really high, beyond the edge of these side way stones I could see until the land stopped. The edge was pointing toward the sky like a pyramid. I was on one side and someone was on the other.  There was a presence of profound emotion, like their emotions manifested like a ghost trying to posses me.  They raised their hand offering me something, I looked down at their hand then back into their eyes. I stood there thinking and thinking and thinking.

Their eyes watered but no tears fell, they were too strong to cry, too resistant.

They desired to have control even in a moment when no control could be had. There was regret within them and it was strong. They wanted to release it and undo the things they had done.

There was a gift in their hand, it wasn’t a sudden manifestation, nor was it there before. Dreams have a certain way of just being, just having stuff in it that make sense and this was one of those moments.  They offered the gift to me, it was the same offering they were trying to give with their pleading eyes.

I had some ideas about what this meant when I woke up.  Even as I slept I believed I understood the significance of what the dream meant.  Perhaps later in reflection I will change my mind to its meaning.  Today I feel like it wasn’t anyone else, even though it felt like someone else was visiting my dreams.

Something tells me it was me, a former version of myself pleading with my current self. Maybe it is a future self pleading with me now. Maybe I am letting go of another life and moving into another.  All I know is it enhanced my heart when I woke up, it was uplifting, clean and pure.

Links

Damaged – Reflections

 

False Perception

False Perception – Tree of Life

False Perception

False Perception

False Perception is one of the seven negative roots of the Tree of Life.  It’s the act of devaluing our significance, role or value.  Though it may be tied to self deprecation it includes exaggerated perceptions of self. Believing we are worthless is equally destructive as personal deification. False Perception may be easily summed up in the statement: “I am ugly, I am a bad parent, I am the best, I am the wisest.”

I believe myself to be a pretty positive and confident man.  I avoid jokes that belittle my significance or reduce my value.  One of my fundamental philosophies is that positivity begets positivity and negativity begets negativity. This philosophy permeates nearly all of my communication, anyone who knows me can vouch for the fun words I tend to use.  This is not False Perception, it is instead it is the act of positive reinforcement.

Life is not perfect, nor are the people who live within it.

There have been moments when I’ve fallen prey to the negative, wrapped myself with a blanket of destruction and rolled in its misery.  Sure, these moments may reflect the depression of some, but it is not how I typically experience it. Nor is it how my False Perception Manifests.

My False Perception takes hold during my manic phases, it makes me feel invulnerable and unstoppable.  Often my wisdom is robbed from me and I lose the ability to critically analyze and interact with my peers respectfully. There are instances where I feel the need to be right, refuse to back down and I push or pull when I need to let go and relax.

Though it can be troublesome it has opened the door to many magnificent journeys.  In reflection my inflated sense of self increased my deafness during a time when my inner scream was already incredibly quite loud.  It was a destructive time, a period when the nightmare of my existence dripped from my pores, ruining nearly everything that I touched.

After considerable reflection I have overcome this False Perception, putting it back into its dark hole.  For now, until the mania returns I can walk through life fed with the roots of wisdom, instead of the roots of False Perception.

Links

Wisdom – Tree of Life

 

Wonderful

Wonderful – Reflections

Wonderful

Wonderful

You can see that I have all sorts of things to say, new ways to interpret reality, reflections that illuminate old avenues.  The real question is though, how do I feel?  Strip away all the things and processes and really share my feelings.

How do I feel?  Well the answer is actually quite simple.  I feel better than I have for over two years.

For the longest time a darkness has loomed over me, following me, biting at my flesh and drinking my blood.  This disturbing presence has been eating me alive for as long as I can remember and now it is gone.

After all of this, I finally feel like me.  I have reclaimed my heart and fed my soul. I feel wonderful, genuine and true.  It is a magnificence that is calm and good. The kind that is healthy and right.

Sadness still comes and goes, but its the normal kind sadness. The joy isn’t like lightning and its power no longer sets me on fire.  The cold chill of sadness no longer chills me to the bone.  Finally my life is mine and I can set my eyes on the future, achieving my planes, adventuring and basking in the magic of my dreams.

I feel good and healthy.  I feel right.  I feel balanced, harmonious and wonderful.

Links

Moments – Reflections

Denial – Tree of Life

denial

Denial

Denial is one of the seven Negative roots of the Tree of Life.  It is what opened the hellish portal leading to the end of my romantic relationship.  This root stitches blinders to our eyes, placing us in eternal darkness, hiding us from the world. In summary Denial may easily be summed up with the statement: “I am not this, I don’t have that.”

My denial manifested after my lung was removed in July.  I desperately wanted to believe I was no longer bipolar.  This desperation influenced my research and lead me down the path of pseudo science.  I wasn’t completely aware of it at the time, but I stretched science to convince myself my manic depression was cut out with the enormous tumor in my chest. There were subtle tactics I used to convince myself it was gone, repeating that reality over and over until I believed the falsehood.

I’m not entirely sure I completely believed the idea. The signs told me that I hadn’t cycled for so long it was impossible that it was still with me. Though I saw this pattern and the science felt like it didn’t match up there was a lingering itch within me.  I believe that I secretly knew it wasn’t gone, but wasn’t willing to accept it.

Truth be told having cancer was a large enough disease.  

The idea of having two chronic illnesses simply was too much.

It took a long time, but I am no longer in denial.  I am so far away from denial I have embraced the reality of the disease.  Now I have accepted it, I have removed the root of Denial and replaced it with the positive root of Acceptance.

Links

Acceptance – Tree of Life