I volunteer to live
You want me to do something
That something isn’t fair
I’m not the instrument of your destruction
The implement of despair
You gave me something
A gift you wanted me to share
It was a broken piece of glass
A little piece of a bowl
When you look at it closer
It’s a window to the soul
A little shard of intimacy
The knot between you and another
Words and parts,
People and places
Events and things
All sorts of feel-ings
You wanted me to cut them
A slash that would wound me too
That broken piece of glass
So calculating, so sharp
Your desires, your dreams
What do they even mean
Why would you do this
Is your heart that a miss
So black and dreary
Full of so much pain
Why do you want to take so much…
from my vein?
You set me to flame
Truly tell me,
What in the world do you have to gain?
Harmony is one of the seven positive roots of the Tree of Life. It’s the act of accepting, succumbing and overcoming the past. Harmony is an experience unlike any other. It’s an abstract sensation, one of calm, of ease, of tranquility. Those who feed the roots harmony aren’t beyond the range of human emotion. Rather they aren’t haunted by it like others may be.
Living without regret is not the same as living with harmony. My proactive prevention of regret has never led to the state of peace I feel today. Instead that philosophy kept my insides from catching fire.
Everything that happened has been a stepping stone to where I am now. I’ve spoken of the hardships and pain associated with being a stepping stone for someone else. Though it may have hurt, it had to happen. Some were blessings, so amazing it was an honor endure such anguish.
I’ve been in relationships with horrific and delightful partners, good and bad pairings. Though heart break permeates them all, I regret none. Even more so, I love them for what they were.
There is something to be gained from everything. If you can gleam love, a lesson or perhaps some lore it had significance.
It’s true, I do love everyone. It doesn’t matter if you hurt me, we never met or you’re a friend. It was a recent milestone that I discovered this, when your mile stone finds you… you will be awestruck by it.
My milestone was being cool with my brother, and letting go of the past with both he and my father.
Rationality is one of the seven positive roots of the Tree of Life. It’s the act of fueling our thoughts with positive energy. With it we make sound emotional decisions supported by reason.
Throughout the years, I’ve watched the world become something other than what I thought it was. People doing things that don’t make sense. Their motivations are undiscernible. In a story, a character must be believable and so must their motivations. In life though, that doesn’t seem to be the reality. The only commonality I’ve seen is that people who hurt, hurt others. Some people hurt so much they become unbelievable villains. Their only drive, the motive of their actions is to watch the world burn.
In my journey, I’ve blamed myself here and there. I’ve been convinced I was the villain, the destroyer of this relationship or that one. Was encouraged to believe my actions resulted in the destruction of something beautiful, a treasured and wonderful relationship. It’s not true.
I am not solely responsible. You are not solely responsible. We, however, together in our relationships, we are solely responsible.
At least not in the way that we coupled. The way it happened wasn’t fair to her ex, her or me.
I was used. Used for all sorts of things that honestly isn’t any one’s business. The primary one, the one I want to share, is I was made into a tool. A weapon to help end my ex’s relationship with her lover. That’s not fair. I’m not an instrument for someone else to terminate their relationship. I know what that feels like, it sucks to be the stepping stone for someone else. It hurts to be the placeholder till someone else comes along. That’s not me. I don’t want to see anyone else hurt. I’m done hurting, I don’t want to hurt anyone else.
With that said, it was still a WE, we both contributed to what happened. I may have been on pain meds, recuperating from having my lung removed and looking down the barrel of chemotherapy. I was lonely and afraid. She was there, she made herself present and so, I quickly fell in love. Ultimately though I am equally responsible for another person’s pain and to that person I am sorry for that.
It is never my intention to hurt another person. There are times when I’m overcome with the experience of life and the things I say are raw and hurtful. I’m not a perfect person, I feel and love, all sorts of imperfections can be found within me. I have cancer for god sake, there is no way I’m perfect.
The positive root of rationality is more than accepting your role in relationships, it’s acknowledging and respecting their ebb and flow. We’re not always equally responsible at every moment. A wise man once told me this ebb and flow is akin to a seesaw. Sometimes you’re in the air and sometimes you’re not. There are times when we are more responsible, times when we have less.
Tony, a man I’ve given many names, shared many moments and many conversations with. He has been my friend at my best moments and my worst. As he walks candy coated love explodes from his chest and skittle flavored rainbows shoot from his mouth. There is no one I know who cares about their friends like this beautiful man. His heart is sweet in such a way he reminds you it’s cool to be a kid and alright to be an adult. He inspires me to write, fight and be the Shawn White I am today, yesterday, everyday.
This is a man who passes no judgement, carries no gavel and most likely doesn’t eat any gravel. He’s down with silliness, ridiculousness and all the Shawn White tomfoolery I can toss at him.
This is a man who mowed my lawn, changed my cat litter boxes and made sure I was alright every week while I was in all my troubled times. He helped me when I needed him, going above and beyond what would be fair for any friend.
He is an inspiration to me, a motivation to me.
Tony thank you for being my friend. A great friend. A true friend.
I can only hope to be an ounce to you as you have been to me.
When our emotions are running around all wild and such they tend to do some pretty terrible things. They create something I call malfunctions. They are what happen when we let our emotions influence how our thoughts process information. When this occurs we take action that conflicts with what a rational person would do or understand.
In the moments we are spinning our world doesn’t make any sense. As it spins we try to solve the problem, we think and feel our way through it. Then as we try to fix, we malfunction. When this happens, we try to do something to alleviate ourselves of the pain. But it never works and we hurt. We really hurt.
Then it starts again, until we can break the pattern.
The manifestation of a malfunction could appear like this:
“I’m tired of her pestering me about the bananas. If she wanted to have them that much she should have ordered them herself. If she wants those damn bananas, I’m going to really let her have those bananas. See how she feels. Let her feel how I feel.”
This person does something to the bananas. For a moment, it gives them pleasure. They feel power over the lady. We hope they can catch themselves before they give the bananas to her. If they do then they will prevent the cycle from beginning again. Most of us don’t catch ourselves and we begin to spiral.
Emotions do things, make noises and move around. Like a little creature or a horse, we go to them and embrace the moment. Often, we mount a saddle and start riding. These creatures do all sorts of stuff, especially if we don’t know how to reign them in. We let the horse go this way and that as it tramples shit and runs amuck. After a little bit, we figure it out and look back at what we’ve done. We say crap, what have I done and we try to make things right. We beg and plead, we demand and yell. We pester and poke. Eventually we get off the horse and walk away. We have to just hope others know what it’s like to be stuck on a horse as it moves through our life.