Acceptance – Tree of Life

Acceptance is one of the seven positive roots of the Tree of Life. It’s what closed my gate to hell and reopened my heart. Resurrecting my passions and dreams pointing me in the direction of the incredible. The root has the ability to awaken our eyes to see the world for what it is. To let go and allow others in. To take off the boards on our windows and unlock our doors. It is a root that may be summed up with: “I am this, I have that, I don’t need you to love me, I love myself.”

Acceptance is a fascinating root, one that develops slowly. As we accept our circumstance we will shift out and back into denial. Back and forth we will go into anger, sadness and other uncomfortable emotions. This is the process of coming to terms with something and ultimately accept it.

A part of me wants to say I found the roots of acceptance when I saw the damage denial was causing. That I knew there was a fire but wasn’t able to see the source. I want to say that it took the loss of a lover and an attempted suicide to discover a laser that was destroying my life.

That’s not reality, there were times when I believed it to be true. Exploring my thoughts and writing out my feelings let me to see what was and what wasn’t. The relationship was important, but it wasn’t the catalyst, nor was the attempted suicide, it was a whole shit ton of crap smashed together into one really gross wad of bad stuff.

Life happens on a series of moments, we experience change from second to second, not all of it feels good or is good. We can do our best to make the best of it.  In the moments I thought I was spiraling, I wasn’t, there was no slide toward hell, instead I was climbing a staircase to enlightenment and peace.

Ultimately the greatest damage to my life came from denial.

When my lung was removed I convinced myself I was no longer bipolar. This idea dismantled my internal support systems and critical awareness.  I no longer looked for those inward parts of myself, because I wasn’t looking, I couldn’t see them.

Once I accepted my illness, I was able to find ways to deflect the laser. The light beam was going to do its thing, but if I could redirect it, my life wouldn’t be set on fire, I wouldn’t have to be destroyed.

With acceptance you can redirect the laser of your life, you can choose what it burns and when.


Denial – Reflections



Edges – Dreams



I had a dream last night, it was a rare breed, so positive and memorable. Its been a time since I’ve been able to remember a dream.  I’d like to share it with you.

It was a dark sky, one slightly filled with all the stars in the sky, yet empty and blank.  Somehow, like dreams do it made sense, the existence of an impossible duality. Perhaps the presence of two things that should not exist together was a gentle nudge of acceptance.  A return to old ways, an acceptance of the things I cannot change.

I was standing at the edge of something, a series of yellow stones turned sideways.  This was really high, beyond the edge of these side way stones I could see until the land stopped. The edge was pointing toward the sky like a pyramid. I was on one side and someone was on the other.  There was a presence of profound emotion, like their emotions manifested like a ghost trying to posses me.  They raised their hand offering me something, I looked down at their hand then back into their eyes. I stood there thinking and thinking and thinking.

Their eyes watered but no tears fell, they were too strong to cry, too resistant.

They desired to have control even in a moment when no control could be had. There was regret within them and it was strong. They wanted to release it and undo the things they had done.

There was a gift in their hand, it wasn’t a sudden manifestation, nor was it there before. Dreams have a certain way of just being, just having stuff in it that make sense and this was one of those moments.  They offered the gift to me, it was the same offering they were trying to give with their pleading eyes.

I had some ideas about what this meant when I woke up.  Even as I slept I believed I understood the significance of what the dream meant.  Perhaps later in reflection I will change my mind to its meaning.  Today I feel like it wasn’t anyone else, even though it felt like someone else was visiting my dreams.

Something tells me it was me, a former version of myself pleading with my current self. Maybe it is a future self pleading with me now. Maybe I am letting go of another life and moving into another.  All I know is it enhanced my heart when I woke up, it was uplifting, clean and pure.


Damaged – Reflections