Hope the Mouse
So much our time is focused on cancer that we often become it. Every time I have a test or a scan my heart shutters and my nerves shake. I’ve grown so accustomed to bad news that good news has become the bad. Hope the Mouse is a representation of my fear, anxiety and guilt when it comes to the idea of overcoming cancer.
I dread the day when all of this is over (if it ever is). The reason is because it’s like dying, when its over I will have to begin a new life, change is hard enough for most, starting over is another matter entirely. When I was first diagnosed with cancer I experienced the death of my old life, once again when I discovered I still had cancer and again once cancer became my life. These moments are rough and destructive to the soul, they hurt and often never stop hurting.
Without cancer I’m afraid I won’t have the same drive and purpose. I really want to be a part of a cause that makes the world a better place. The thought of losing traction of my dream is a nightmare. Having a singular purpose can be overwhelming, but it is so much more rewarding than the underwhelming life I once had.
I’m afraid of being cured, I’m afraid of not having cancer, I’m afraid of surviving.
These are the thoughts that plague me when I think about hope. They’re the feelings that haunt me. I want to live a long happy life, but the thought of Hope the Mouse is terrifying, and when I see her it makes me want to scream in terror.
Hope is not your enemy
I know that Hope isn’t my enemy. She is a valuable tool that pushes me forward every day. I may be afraid of her at times, but without her I can’t experience the experience of life. Without this little mouse I wouldn’t know how to ask why, I wouldn’t have the force of will to continue to walk and I wouldn’t have the heart to help others.
Hope is the true engine of my existence. My force of will determines who I am. With these two powerful elements I can overcome anything. When, not if… When I overcome this cancer I will continue to help others. Ultimately it is what is on the inside that determines who we are and what we have to offer. On the inside, I have Hope, the cute, yet terrifying mouse. She has guided me, continues to guide me and will always guide me.
If you would like to continue your reading journey consider some of these fine links. I’m sure you will find something that will fill your fancy.
Cancer – Personal Advocacy
Caretakers – Personal Advocacy
Abuse – Personal Advocacy