see

See, Open your eyes and…

Witness the world for the first time

The forest may be lush and green. It may be truly serene but not everything is happy and healthy in this scene. In this flowery forest are fights, bites and bitter cold, and whole lives are spent fighting for control. Though there are many first breaths there just as many deaths. It is a haunting place, a daunting land, a heavenly haven and a spectacular space.

Life, like this place is simple and comforting, complicated and crazy. It is wonderful and woeful, educated and ignorant. It is many things, but easy is not one.

What we see is not always what we get and what we do is not always true.
Sometimes we are sad swinging through the trees, even though we look happy to all who can see.

The illusions and the darkness in the forest can set you free the moment you decide to see. It is not the veil on your face that steals your sight, it is your hiding eyes that conceals the light. When you open your eye you will see we are fighting to simply be.

We all know terror, pain and shame. Each of us bumbling through life the same. We all have a wealth of wonderful abilities and awful weaknesses. Each of us hurting in different ways, but ultimately we hurt the same.

When we come to the cross roads of you and me and every bird and bee look both ways before you jump and scream.

The best way to see is to have empathy and with compassion you will be set free. When you growl and yell, twist and kick all your doing is making the world sick.

Anger and hurt is an infectious disease and love is its only remedy. It is a golden, lovely light that shines so bright it encourages you to wear life like a glove, to fly like a dove and to say good bye to the frivolous fight.

Words of Hope

Shawn White Blog

Rationality

Malfunction

Empathy as an Intro

NCAN

Hope 27

Words of Hope 27

Remember it’s fun to swim and dance with glee, cause when you do it sets you free. Truth be told, if I may be so bold, being silly makes me smile. It gets rid of the waste by making my day taste sweet and tart as it warms my heart. It is especially great when its late and we feel old and cold. We can scrape off the stress as we are impressed by the marvelous melodies of our magnificent moments. So as you sit, sleep or stand wiggle your feet like you are listening to a band. Shift your hips from side to side like the electric slide. Laugh, love and live your life to the fullest. Use your clever mind and pull joy’s lever and surely you will have fun forever!

Words of Hope

Shawn White Blog

NCAN

Dungeon Crawl for the Cure

Intent Passion Lust Love Ulterior Motive

Intent, Passion, Lust, Love and an Ulterior Motive

You say you want to network? I say I want to make friends. When I introduce myself to other humans my goal is to give something good. The world can be dark and dreary, I want to help people slice through the cumulonimbus clouds to see the radiant rays of the sun. All it takes is a few wonderful words and we can inspire some incredible heart feels. How do we make bonding a beautiful experience? Relationships are born and explored with intent.

Our goals are saturated with intent

Everything we say and do is saturated with intent. If you want to be an effective communicator you must get to know who you are. Why are you here? What do you want and who are you? Ask yourself these questions and answer them honestly. Every time you meet someone new they will be asking them too.

Intent is the infrastructure of networking. If the focus is on friendship the bonding will begin, however, if it is superficial it will stagnate.

What is the best way to break the ice?

If you want loving and long lasting relationships, give good for goodness sake, and give it liberally. When we live to give greatness, introducing yourself becomes the best ice breaker.

Finding, Building & Maintaining relationships with Intent

An important lesson I have learned is how to live with an awareness of my intent. When I’m feeling or thinking about doing something I contemplate why I want to do it. Why do I want to help this person, why am I attracted to this lady, how do I feel about this or that? The why behind an idea is often more important than the verb of doing it. The genuine intent of goodwill is a peaceful experience. With it we can be satisfied with the outcome of all our social engagements because we have erased our expectations. We are ready to exist in the moment and enjoy it while it’s here.

Relationships are easier because I’ve completed myself. I’m not searching for someone else to draw the rest of my circle, because I’m already a whole person. When friends and loved ones die it’s easier to cope because I consciously make the most of our moments. I cherish their life as we live it together and remember the terrific times we experienced as we shared the road.

My awareness is one of my greatest tools. By knowing my intent is good and honest I can make the best decisions in the now and avoid the pitfall of regret. I have the Hope others live with the intent of mutually beneficial relationships, while having the wisdom to know they might not. At the end of the day whether they do or don’t share the same awareness I do, I am always willing to forgive a hurting soul.

Passion, lust, love and an ulterior motive

Sometimes when speaking to others I hear a lot about passion, lust, love and ulterior motives. I know what it’s like to live in fear of what others might do. It’s a painful lens that blinds us from experiencing the world in all its wonder. On the flip side of that coin it can feel horrible when we can’t share our feels. The scrutiny of others often damns the flow of our feelings with a large levy. This barrier can be torturous to the soul as our inside zones burn brilliantly and our feel-good fuel source rapidly diminishes.

It took me some time, but when the moment arrived I learned it is alright to live with passion, to lust for another, to love, even if they don’t love me, and to possess the desire to be desired.

Passion

The world is a magnificent place and our heart is a fiery furnace. When we discover that thing, that purpose, that person who captures our attention the universe imbues us with powerful passion. There is nothing that can stop the fanning of our furious flame, extinguish our eternal heart or take us apart.

Our passion is more than a singular purpose, it is a dedication to something we love. It is a complete commitment and we wear it like a glove. Passion is supposed to be healthy, good and great, its meant to be even, clear and purposeful.

Sometimes it isn’t. Perhaps most times it lacks direction and it steers off the map to a place that is not healthy, good or great and is uneven, murky and misguided. It is in these times we must look deeper to discover our true intent.

A person’s passion can be beautiful, but only when that passion wants to share.  Every book of love is a compilation of letters, a shared story and a narrative coauthored by those involved.

Lust

With an empty stomach we hunger to satiate our appetite. The need to eat, the exquisite energy of anticipation and the desire for delicious delights can feel magnificent. Our longing moments of lust are no different and are equally healthy when fed with a well-balanced, nutritious diet.  Its healthy to have a sexual appetite for another, it would be hard for people to fall in love if life existed without lust.

Lust like passion has unhealthy and dangerously winding roads. Sometimes taking people to places they shouldn’t go. Lust has an ebb and flow and cannot be the basis for how we should expect things to always go. It is the cream on a cake, something sugary to taste, but to live with lust without love is a slippery slope into loneliness.

Love

A warm blanket that warms us from surface to center. A compass that guides us when we are lost. The crutch we lean on when we are weak. Love is the greatest and most wonderful place to live.

Whether we accept it or not we all want to love and be loved. Unfortunately, it’s hard to find a person who wants to live in the same zip code of love we do. When this happens it’s important to look at the roots of why we want to be with them. If we love this person solely for our own benefit, perhaps we don’t love them at all and maybe we aren’t mature enough to be in their zip code of love. When we love someone, we should want to see them happy, even if their happiness doesn’t include us.

Ulterior Motive

What exactly is ulterior motive and what does it mean? Why am I so concerned about what others want to do with me?

An ulterior motive is when we believe someone has a hidden reason for what they are doing. Focusing inwardly and feeling for that gut vibe is valuable in determining whether a person is safe. It is also important to evaluate your bias and forgive the wrongs of the person before they have committed them.  Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is akin to forgiving them for something you can’t prove is true. Bias is a valuable tool, we use it to decide what we are going to eat and which alley ways we are willing to walk down. We all have it, however if we want to live a life with good intent we must critically analyze our bias to determine whether it is fair and just.

So, when someone is attracted to us, does mean their only intent is to have sex? By and large I would say no. Relationships are so complicated and involved it would be a challenge to boil it down to a singular intent. Sure, most likely they would enjoy having sex with us, but that is just one component of the many beneficial aspects of companionship. I am not a psychologist or an expert in the field of human pair bonding, but I would make an educated guess by saying they want to live an adventurous life with a companion they are attracted to.

For the most part I believe our focus on the ulterior motives of others are fruitless endeavors. These thoughts lead us down a spiraling staircase into an abyss of loneliness. Simply put we create fantastical stories about others, casting them in a negative light.  Instead of drawing unfair conclusions from nothing, we should be celebrating the bountiful beauty of life by exploring our humanity with others.


Shawn White Blog

Discovering Hope

Relationships – Boundaries 

NCAN

 

words of hope 10

Words of Hope 10

We have a lot of moving parts in our lives and the complicated nature of it can be dizzying. It sometimes feels like we are walking over a pit of fire on an oiled tightrope. Our journey can be terrifying, painful and horrific, but it is also beautiful, magnificent and magical.

I have faith you will cross this terrible tightrope and be triumphant.

I don’t know what it feels like to be you, but I know what it feels like to be overwhelmed by life, underwhelmed by love and lost to my own impulsiveness. Its like getting caught in a cold rain with no shelter in sight. Know the rain will pass, and your skin will warm.  You will see the value of the storm and  there will be a time  when the rain droplets of now, give birth to beautiful flowers of the future.


Words of Hope

Shawn White Blog

Clinical Massage

manuscript

The Manuscript of your Life

Your story is awesome, overwhelming and beyond imagination. Your life is a book, but it’s probably not a best seller. It’s a rough manuscript stained with coffee rings and nicotine. It’s not the clean, crisp, perfectly penned pages found in a book store. Instead it is aged, torn and sloppily written.

A best seller is a natural page turner, exciting in all the right ways and follows a fantastic formula. Our daily lives are unremarkable, our scenes make little sense and the narrative is shit. Nothing seems to happen for any particular reason, the rise of action rarely leads to anything great. It’s like an under dog story without overcoming the odds, or a redemption story without redemption.

When we read back over our life book it seems like none of the characters make any sense, the bad guys always win and the plot seems to be completely absent.

Throughout our lives we grab at our hair and pull it out screaming “Why the fuck is this happening to me? When will any of it ever stop?”

It is easy to get caught up in our lives. Often we mistake ourselves as the main character of the story, so why wouldn’t we? If we arent the main character, then who is?

Chill, drink a cup of coffee and burn your candle at both ends. Miss a night’s rest and immerse yourself in this crap life of yours. Take some time and figure out what the fuck is happening and try to do something about it. If you need to complain or cry or beat yourself up then do it. Wallow in your misery, let it infect every spirit fiber of your being.

Take some time and get to know your pain, make it your friend. While you’re at it think about your mortality and look back on your life. How remarkable has it been? How much good have you done for others? What is your legacy?

At the end of your life story will it have been written with the blood and tears of others? Will it be a terrible tale of envy and anger? Will it’s pages be aged, wrinkled and bound into a bloated book?

Or will you have lived a good life, a loving Life? An existence committed to the enrichment of others? A life with purpose. A purpose that was right for you, one of empathy, compassion and critical thought. A story you wrote, a narrative you drove forward with your own blood, sweat and tears?

Did you learn along the way that you are not the main character? That others have feelings, make mistakes and are bumbling through this complicated existence just like you?

Take a breath. Take a big ol breath. If you are reading this you aren’t dead. You are alive. Even if you are laying on your death bed waiting for the ticks of time to slip away there is still hope. With hope there is goodness, you have time to do good, be good and help others feel good. You have time to leave your anger at the door, to invite love in your life and embrace the fate you make.

The pain you feel might pass, it may never pass. It might ride you like a jockey till the end of the race. But that’s alight, I believe you will find a way. You will climb the tallest mind mountain and experience an epiphany that will forever transform your life.

A life that is awesome, overwhelming and beyond imagination. One without clean, crisp and perfectly penned pages. It will be a rough manuscript stained with coffee rings and nicotine, it will be aged, torn and sloppily written. It will be the best tale, the greatest story, it will be the book of your life.

 

Hold onto the light

The Glory of Hope

Sometimes we hear or see something that rattles us so deeply we experience physical pain. This week I experienced this kind of heart wrenching insight.

To be inspired like this is rare and beautiful. Opening your heart, allowing the feels of another to settle on your spirit.  I felt the vines of my inside zones grow and twist around my spine, reaching to my brain, planting itself deeply into my mind.  Listening and feeling the journey of others, I lost myself in their eyes. For a moment I could taste their world, feel their wind against my flesh and breath their air.

There are definitive moments when our life changes. When the leafy roots of another intertwine ours, wrapping their life force around and infiltrating our soil.

These thoughts are not romantic ramblings, they are a reflection on life. An expose on the wonder and awe of existence, how each of our lives intertwine.

A week of experiences culminated to the most beautiful moment. I held my Acre, my soft, loving cat in my arms as he slowly fell asleep. As I petted him I thought about how I had never held him in a such a way. How much I will miss him when he passes. How much I love him.

The world is a hard place, so dark and dreary. It is horrific in many ways, sometimes it feels like there is no end to the evil, terror and pain. So much cruelty enacted upon others, so much flesh torn and ripped, it is easy to fall prey to the idea, that our world is a nightmare.

There is more than darkness, more than unyielding agony, more than all-consuming fear. Look about the room and you will see a simple golden light. With this light we can have faith there is good in the world, beauty in life and a purpose to the pain. Hold it tightly and don’t let go. Hold on to the light for it will give you Hope that you will feel love, life and the glory of goodness.

 

The rings of christmas

The Rings of Christmas – Body of Life

Silver and gold garland wreathed around the needle-sharp Christmas tree. An array of glass and plastic ornaments fell from hooks like stems of fruit on the pine branches. Spiraling luminescence gracefully undulated from a string of rainbow lights.  A sparkle caped angel rested atop the lush tree, but it was the brilliantly wrapped gifts tied with bows that were the culmination of excitement.

Hundreds of cookies rested in old popcorn tins. Homemade fudge, pies, cakes and all sorts of scrumptious treats were in abundance. The house was a Christmas treasure land, my mother made sure of that. Each year she made everyone’s favorite, mine were fork mashed peanut butter, snicker doodle and chocolate chip cookies. The experience was one of love, a memory I am still able to treasure to this day.

These lessons, memories, moments are the foundation of how Me-of-the-Past and Me-Now romance life. I desire for my relationships to show love in the same way my mother showed how to make holidays special.  Find the beauty in the world around you, and you will be filled with it.

When saturated with beauty, we accept and nurture hope. We can take this small gift and place it into the palm of those we love. By passing this a spark we can ignite a great fire and inspire a conflagration of joy, peace and harmony.

All actions may have great return, so invest in the positive ones. The love shown to me, expressed by my mother, has, continues and will always enrich my life.

 

I feel like garbage

Garbage

garbage

Where am I am today?  I am in a I fucking hate this life kind of mood.  I feel like utter shit!  I am tired of feeling this way.  I can’t feel my fingers and toes, earlier I couldn’t feel my face.  I am stressed beyond imagination and I feel like all of my hopes and dreams have been stolen from me.  I feel robbed.  I feel like I am living in this shell of a body, I am so angry.  I try and I push and I do my best to make the best of every moment.  Times like these, times like these long moments I despise the cards that have been dealt to me.  It fucking sucks, there is no other way to describe it.

We must become advocates, all of us

Becoming your own advocate means you must learn how to critically research and develop critical thinking skills.  I consider personal advocacy to be an inner boundary (something I will discuss later).

Being your own Advocate means you must be a leader.  You have the break the mold of putting your life into the hands of strangers you know nothing about. These people should be working for you and not the other way around.

We should be interviewing these people, they should be earning our trust, we are their boss, there should be no point in our treatment plan that they are our boss. They are the people we are using to get a service done, if their ego or inability gets in the way of achieving your goals then they are failing in the duties they were hired for.  When this happens it is time for you to fire them.

If you hired someone to fix your motor vehicle would you hire them again if they failed to fix the part you paid them to repair?  Would you hire them again if they refused to follow your instructions?  No, of course you wouldn’t, so why are we shelling out thousands and thousands of dollars to health care professionals who are not meeting or exceeding our expectations.

Something has got to change and the only way I can see that change happening is if we have a greater understanding of our care.  If we take charge of our treatment plan and learn how to say NO, we can become a true advocate for our own health.  We have to be our own advocate.  This WE is more than just cancer patients, this is everyone.  Everyone has to be made aware of how to demand the service they deserve because they are paying for it, the service they deserve because they are a human being.

 

Loom of Fate

The Loom of Fate was a piece that I created to illustrate the similarities that our lives have with a tapestry.   Our hearts and minds are the physical manifestation of our soul parts, and it is the events of our lives and the passage of time that is the loom.

Through personal exploration and introspection I have discovered that regret is a monster that gnaws at the very root of one’s being.  To indulge this beast, is to invite the inability to enjoy the passing moments of this beautiful world.

When we look at the Loom of Fate piece, we see our tapestry in its entirety.  When we do this we can see where we came from, who we were and where we are now.  In life, if we are to know where we are going we must know where we have been so that we can influence where it is that we are heading.

Knowing our past isn’t enough to move beyond regret; to develop a healthier spirit, and to watch our soul strengthen we must embrace every part of our tapestry.   If it were not for the bad, we would never have perspective to appreciate the good.  It is through all the moments of our life that our tapestry is woven, for without one fiber, no others may exist.

What does this mean? Part 1 (Introduction)

What does this mean, what does that mean, these are questions I found myself asking along the way.  Often I would see lists of abbreviations and acronyms that represented critical bits of information that did not exist within my vernacular. There is so much information in the medical world, it is easy for anyone to get lost in its sea of vast knowledge.

This series focuses on the abbreviations, acronyms and terms found on the different documents we see through our cancer journey.  This series is less entertaining and more informative, each post will have the subject matter after the part number in parenthesis.  My goal is to provide a comprehensive and easy to locate list to help you understand the difficult road ahead of you.

I want to leave off saying that I am not a doctor or a physician.  These definitions and explanations reflect my own personal research on the topic.  You should consult your health care provider when deciding your medical needs.  My goal is to give you some frame work to help facilitate those conversations.

sensations

Sensations of Neuropathy, Find purpose in the pain

The enchanting music of Enya played from the bedroom nearby.  The beautiful sound of water dripping into the soothing, hot bath was intoxicating.  It was my first bath since I had my lung removed, the sensation was a heavenly experience. The water was a cocktail of skin nourishing concoctions and detoxing medicine. The dim light of the room was romancing my soul, I could feel my spirit begin to rejuvenate.  I ran my finger tip along the surface of my palm, the texture was exquisite.  These are the moments I take myself back to as I sit here thinking about the past.

These sensations are a distant memory, now my finger tips are numb, they tingle with the sharpness of needles.  When I slide my finger across the surface of my palm the sensations are delayed, lacking the sweetness of touch.  My feet are like rubber shoes and burn like they are being licked with fire.

These are the haunting reminders of the lingering ghosts of chemo.  There are no small prices to pay when it comes to cancer.  Everything you do, every choice you make comes at a cost.  Though I sit here experiencing these less than pleasant sensations I do not regret the choices I have made.

These sensations are gifts, they are tools, they are a reminder of the places I have been, the worlds I have discovered.

Shawn White Blog

Living With Cancer

NCAN