Hold onto the light

The Glory of Hope

Sometimes we hear or see something that rattles us so deeply we experience physical pain. This week I experienced this kind of heart wrenching insight.

To be inspired like this is rare and beautiful. Opening your heart, allowing the feels of another to settle on your spirit.  I felt the vines of my inside zones grow and twist around my spine, reaching to my brain, planting itself deeply into my mind.  Listening and feeling the journey of others, I lost myself in their eyes. For a moment I could taste their world, feel their wind against my flesh and breath their air.

There are definitive moments when our life changes. When the leafy roots of another intertwine ours, wrapping their life force around and infiltrating our soil.

These thoughts are not romantic ramblings, they are a reflection on life. An expose on the wonder and awe of existence, how each of our lives intertwine.

A week of experiences culminated to the most beautiful moment. I held my Acre, my soft, loving cat in my arms as he slowly fell asleep. As I petted him I thought about how I had never held him in a such a way. How much I will miss him when he passes. How much I love him.

The world is a hard place, so dark and dreary. It is horrific in many ways, sometimes it feels like there is no end to the evil, terror and pain. So much cruelty enacted upon others, so much flesh torn and ripped, it is easy to fall prey to the idea, that our world is a nightmare.

There is more than darkness, more than unyielding agony, more than all-consuming fear. Look about the room and you will see a simple golden light. With this light we can have faith there is good in the world, beauty in life and a purpose to the pain. Hold it tightly and don’t let go. Hold on to the light for it will give you Hope that you will feel love, life and the glory of goodness.


The Cold Air of Treatment


Its akin to sprawling out on your bed with clean soft sheets wrapped around you.  When suddenly as you roll to the side you hear a soft but noticeable pop.  You look toward the corner of the bed, you know the sound  before you see it.  The sheet has come loose from the mattress.  You lay there for a moment, you could get up and remake the bed and sure, yeah it might make the experience more comfortable, but you are guaranteed to lose the comfort you currently have.

In a lot of ways this is how cancer is.  It sucks that the bed is slowly unraveling, but if you choose to try and fix it, you are guaranteed to lose something you currently have.

I love the feel of a warm bed in the morning, to have those soft clean sheets wrapped around my body.  To feel my foot slip out into the cold air, then slowly slide back into the comfort of my bundled blankets.

Eventually you will get up and fix the sheets, you will have the motivation or purpose to do whatever it is that you choose to do.  No matter what the decision is, it comes with a hefty price.  When it comes to cancer, there are no small prices to pay.

Last night I had a nightmare.  While sleeping beside my beautiful young lady friend my mind was wracked with terrible feels and dream sights.  I was in my home, this one and the house I grew up in.  Water was pouring in from the sky above and it was dripping through the ceiling and seeping through the floor.  Everything was falling apart, no matter how much I worked to rid my home of the water it continued pour.

I can remember distinctly feeling like no matter what I did, no matter what changes I made, the water would continue to be.  It would be there even if I left the house, change the roof or rebuild the floor.  I didn’t want to leave, yet at the same time I didn’t want to continuously struggle to fix everything.  Especially when everything was destined to be destroyed by the unstoppable force of the water.  My home would be uncomfortable to live in with the warped floors and wet ceilings, but that life would be better than to be cut to pieces, burned and chemically transformed.

The parallel here is that the water is the cancer and the home is my body.  I want to live, I want to live life to its fullest.  Whatever choices I choose to make in regard to my life is so that I can have the opportunity to experience it as it was meant to be enjoyed.  To make the best of what was given to me, to use what was given to me to help others and leave behind a legacy that helps others in my absence.

Selecting your treatment options should be considered with great thought. I believe it is important to consider what we will have after the surgery or treatment.  What are we giving up to have life, how much life do you need to have the experiences you want, and who’s wants are you following anyways?

Throughout my journey I found myself being pushed down roads that weren’t my own.  People manipulated me to do their wants, convincing me to believe that their wants were my wants.  This can take form in many ways, but the focus here is on your treatment.  When your loved ones or doctors are pressuring you to do something you don’t want to, its like having those warm blankets ripped from you, forcing you to be exposed to the cold air.

Those blankets are yours, they are yours to do with as you see fit.  Get out of bed and peel off those sheets by your terms.  Stand up for yourself, be your own advocate and choose your treatment for you, not for the wants of someone else, be it your wife, child or doctor.  Right now we only have one life to live, live it by your terms.

December 6, 2016

December 6, 2016

I know of no words that can effectively express the sensations i am experiencing. My body hurts in so many alien ways it is difficult to find peace or even the eye of the storm. But at least I have my fancy bag of tricks to find my way back to the boat. I put myself back at a time when I was in a healthier, stronger place. The energy of then, invigorates me now. It fills me with a good reminder of the healthy life on its way. That there are no such things as good and bad experiences, only opportunities for greater wisdom.

The world is a beautiful place. Filled with so much wonder and awe. Laying here i feel that more than ever before. Every moment is a reminder that every moment should be treasured.

The Empty Hand

The Empty Hand 8/23/2016


It was early, the sun sat outside the tiny window beyond the reach of the bed.  The air was cold, but my hand was warm.  Warmed by the hand, the touch of one that was familiar.

The time of the clock clicked seven and the hand released me as my eyes slipped away into a great, deep sleep.  I was alone.


Waking I was frightened, I knew no one.  I looked for the hand that held mine, but her hand was gone, alone I was left.

Ghosts moved this way then that way.

I was confused and concerned.

They laid me forward, crowding around me, a pause was heard, then nothing.


The nothing lasted only a moment, behind it came the tight tug of something

The something was a hot sting, a tingling numbness, a strange sensation that with the touch of breath’s air transformed.

An echo of pain slipped through me, rattling my inside like quaking walls.

The first droplets of pain were soft, like the pitter patter of a light rain, but with each cloud that billowed from the abyss the storm grew greater.


The droplets were hot, like the lick from the kiss of boiling grease.

The storm ravaged, the burning became steel as it melted through my nerves, I could feel the heat eat away at everything that made me me.

Fear overcame me, I could not hold back the terror, my hand thrashed to find that hand, the hand, the hand who had left me.

It was the first time I felt alone, the first time I was alone.  Placed within the blanket of darkness, to face the punishment for my innocent benevolence, I would be consumed by Molten steel that was forced and flowed through me,

A pain, an agony that reigned till darkness I was filled…


With time comes forgiveness

With time comes change

Though my heart was burned from the inside out, I accepted her and her fear, I forgave the hand that deserted me.


Submerged in the silken, slick water

Lowered from the abrasive, bitter world that I battled

I felt a soft touch, the ease of its place, the peace of its harmony


I could feel my skin revitalize,

I could feel the spin stop,

And my breath soften


I could see again, for the first time

I could feel again, for the first time

I could live again, for the first time.


Returning to this world, my eyes were open and my heart washed

I saw a new place, a new time

A land of boundless opportunity, endless love and immeasurable beauty


Emerging, stepping from the oiled water I looked to the horizon, My eyes turning to those who had walked with me, to those who had held and forgotten my hand,

And I walked forward.


The Lady in the Isle of Hope

The Lady in the Isle of Hope 8/23/2016


I’ve never felt a connection so profound

A heart power with so much pull

An immortal love transcending time and space and spirit of man


Lost in the sea of specters, she was my isle of hope.

She held in her hand a glowing lantern, that lit her innocent smile.

And guided me to her arms


Never in my life have I experienced such profound love

Such fullness of heart

Such a trueness of person


She was my soft guide, my angel of peace

With a smile and the nearness of her heart, she would ease my fear,

For a moment I could forget my terrors and set aside my agony


Her heart would heal me

It would shield me from the winds of horror that kicked glass and sand into my flesh.

With her touch she would raise me above the boiling sea of despair

With her hands she would cover my ears, hiding me from the screams bellowing from the sea of lost souls.



The Angel and father of wisdom

The Angel and father of wisdom 8/23/2016

Heart pain dripped from my eye, a darkness wreathed me in its frigid grasp.

Alone I was nothing, but among my angels I would strengthen


My legs were weak and my eyes were clamped closed.

The light of the afternoon sun burned in the sky above.

He was a gentle hand, the guidance of a father, the wisdom of a true soul.


His strength carried me, his love walked with me, his wisdom led me.

I felt safe beside him.


As my lung wept with exhaustion, he consoled me.

He told me stories and shared to me his soul.

A life long ago lived and the new adventures of life


My eyes watered as I looked at my angel of wisdom, my angel of guidance.

My words were brittle and my power weak.

“Angel of Wisdom.”  I paused.  “Angel of Guidance.”  My head slumped forward.  I felt a weight in my chest.

“My life, I feel as though I have squandered my time here.”  I looked to my angel.  “Have I wasted my whole life?  Have I touched others and left a mark in their heart?”


A pause moved through the air as my angel looked into the distance.

I could feel his heart align with mine, “I have been around the world.  I have met many people.  I would say that you’re ahead of the game.”  My angel spoke to me.


Tears welled within me and I wiped them away.

My angel of wisdom, my angel of guidance

My wayward traveling friend

My friend, the father of all souls.

You gave me the strength when I had none

You inspired light as I sat in darkness


You are my friend, my father, a love of my life I shall always remember

From the waking days of my life to the ethereal walk of death you will always be remembered, you are my wisdom, you are my father

You are the truest of all true souls

And my beacon to life.



My Champion, my Protector, my Archon

My Champion, my Protector, my Archon 8/23/16


He was a soft voice in the darkness, a man with a sweet smile.

He told me stories and made me laugh.

He held my hand as I cried.

He held my hand as I screamed.

He held my hand as he watched me in agony.


He was my guardian angel, my archon on the people.

With his slick words and call to action,

He eased hearts of those who saw me as evil


He brought loads of coffee, placing them into the hands who were hurt by me.

He told them stories of great glee.

He was the champion of the evil within me.