Hope 5

Words of Hope 5

It can be hard to love life, especially when we are feeling pain. We fight and scream, kick and punch, battling to hold it at bay. The agony can make us angry, sad and afraid, and that’s OK. The feels you feel are the right ones to feel. Be angry, sad and afraid. But, know there is light at the end of the road. When the sun rises and lights up the land, it will warm our skin and show us a new day is about to begin.



Permission to Feel

Our lives are saturated with so many sensations; being in and out of love, feeling unstoppable and stuck, fearless and fearful. Sometimes we are in the throes of pleasure or pain, lost or losing ourselves in the moment.

When dreary discomfort overcomes us, we can look lovingly at life. Open our beaten and blackened eyes to see the light, a sight that lightens our load and lifts us to a state of delight.

However sometimes our eyes are not easily opened. The world will punch and kick and beat us to a pulp. It will pound us when we fall and it will stomp us on the ground. Our eyes are hard to open when bruised and swollen. They are hard to open when dreary discomfort overcomes us, in these moments its hard to look lovingly at life.

It’s ok, its alright to lay with your eyes closed. Your eyes don’t always need to see this grand light. You don’t need to be positive and joyous every moment of every day. The brilliance of the sun comes and goes, when the dark of night finds us it’s time to slow, to sleep and rest.

To be positive when it’s time to embrace the negative, is like suffering a migraine in the midst of bright light.

Do what is right for you right now. Tend to the darkness when it is time. Love the feels even as they hurt. Embrace the experience of the experience.

Give yourself permission to feel,
what you feel.

Hold onto the light

The Glory of Hope

Sometimes we hear or see something that rattles us so deeply we experience physical pain. This week I experienced this kind of heart wrenching insight.

To be inspired like this is rare and beautiful. Opening your heart, allowing the feels of another to settle on your spirit.  I felt the vines of my inside zones grow and twist around my spine, reaching to my brain, planting itself deeply into my mind.  Listening and feeling the journey of others, I lost myself in their eyes. For a moment I could taste their world, feel their wind against my flesh and breath their air.

There are definitive moments when our life changes. When the leafy roots of another intertwine ours, wrapping their life force around and infiltrating our soil.

These thoughts are not romantic ramblings, they are a reflection on life. An expose on the wonder and awe of existence, how each of our lives intertwine.

A week of experiences culminated to the most beautiful moment. I held my Acre, my soft, loving cat in my arms as he slowly fell asleep. As I petted him I thought about how I had never held him in a such a way. How much I will miss him when he passes. How much I love him.

The world is a hard place, so dark and dreary. It is horrific in many ways, sometimes it feels like there is no end to the evil, terror and pain. So much cruelty enacted upon others, so much flesh torn and ripped, it is easy to fall prey to the idea, that our world is a nightmare.

There is more than darkness, more than unyielding agony, more than all-consuming fear. Look about the room and you will see a simple golden light. With this light we can have faith there is good in the world, beauty in life and a purpose to the pain. Hold it tightly and don’t let go. Hold on to the light for it will give you Hope that you will feel love, life and the glory of goodness.


The Cold Air of Treatment


Its akin to sprawling out on your bed with clean soft sheets wrapped around you.  When suddenly as you roll to the side you hear a soft but noticeable pop.  You look toward the corner of the bed, you know the sound  before you see it.  The sheet has come loose from the mattress.  You lay there for a moment, you could get up and remake the bed and sure, yeah it might make the experience more comfortable, but you are guaranteed to lose the comfort you currently have.

In a lot of ways this is how cancer is.  It sucks that the bed is slowly unraveling, but if you choose to try and fix it, you are guaranteed to lose something you currently have.

I love the feel of a warm bed in the morning, to have those soft clean sheets wrapped around my body.  To feel my foot slip out into the cold air, then slowly slide back into the comfort of my bundled blankets.

Eventually you will get up and fix the sheets, you will have the motivation or purpose to do whatever it is that you choose to do.  No matter what the decision is, it comes with a hefty price.  When it comes to cancer, there are no small prices to pay.

Last night I had a nightmare.  While sleeping beside my beautiful young lady friend my mind was wracked with terrible feels and dream sights.  I was in my home, this one and the house I grew up in.  Water was pouring in from the sky above and it was dripping through the ceiling and seeping through the floor.  Everything was falling apart, no matter how much I worked to rid my home of the water it continued pour.

I can remember distinctly feeling like no matter what I did, no matter what changes I made, the water would continue to be.  It would be there even if I left the house, change the roof or rebuild the floor.  I didn’t want to leave, yet at the same time I didn’t want to continuously struggle to fix everything.  Especially when everything was destined to be destroyed by the unstoppable force of the water.  My home would be uncomfortable to live in with the warped floors and wet ceilings, but that life would be better than to be cut to pieces, burned and chemically transformed.

The parallel here is that the water is the cancer and the home is my body.  I want to live, I want to live life to its fullest.  Whatever choices I choose to make in regard to my life is so that I can have the opportunity to experience it as it was meant to be enjoyed.  To make the best of what was given to me, to use what was given to me to help others and leave behind a legacy that helps others in my absence.

Selecting your treatment options should be considered with great thought. I believe it is important to consider what we will have after the surgery or treatment.  What are we giving up to have life, how much life do you need to have the experiences you want, and who’s wants are you following anyways?

Throughout my journey I found myself being pushed down roads that weren’t my own.  People manipulated me to do their wants, convincing me to believe that their wants were my wants.  This can take form in many ways, but the focus here is on your treatment.  When your loved ones or doctors are pressuring you to do something you don’t want to, its like having those warm blankets ripped from you, forcing you to be exposed to the cold air.

Those blankets are yours, they are yours to do with as you see fit.  Get out of bed and peel off those sheets by your terms.  Stand up for yourself, be your own advocate and choose your treatment for you, not for the wants of someone else, be it your wife, child or doctor.  Right now we only have one life to live, live it by your terms.

December 6, 2016

December 6, 2016

I know of no words that can effectively express the sensations i am experiencing. My body hurts in so many alien ways it is difficult to find peace or even the eye of the storm. But at least I have my fancy bag of tricks to find my way back to the boat. I put myself back at a time when I was in a healthier, stronger place. The energy of then, invigorates me now. It fills me with a good reminder of the healthy life on its way. That there are no such things as good and bad experiences, only opportunities for greater wisdom.

The world is a beautiful place. Filled with so much wonder and awe. Laying here i feel that more than ever before. Every moment is a reminder that every moment should be treasured.